Goodbye Is Truly Painful When You Know You Might Never Say Hello Again
by DopeyPixie
Summary: 'I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.' Anonymous Author - My former author name was Pink.Black.Striped.Unicorn. - changed for personal reasons!
1. Miserable

My second Criminal Minds fic, and it's a lot different from the last one. I have to admit its kind of dark and depressing but I think it turned out pretty well.  
Same author's notes as my last one: I don't watch Criminal Minds as much as most of you probably do so it's quite possible the characters will be out of character. Also, English isn't my mother tongue so I'm sorry if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes.  
Also, for now it's just a one-shot but I'm thinking about writing more chapters for this one.

Enjoy!

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''The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.'' Sex And The City quote

* * *

_My trembling hand flew to my mouth, the left one clenching into a fist. I can hear the phone hit the floor. Tears are burning behind my eyes - I'm not even sure I should stop them from falling._

_I can feel a burning ache go through my body. I want to scream but aside from a high shriek, nothing comes out. The words are echoing through my head, over and over and over. The words are louder than any other thought. The words are taking over my mind, they silence my thoughts... they made my heart stop as soon as I first heard them. They are taking over my life - and ruining my life in the process, it at least feels that way._

_I try to take a deep breath to calm myself down but I can't breathe, I can't even move. All I can do is stand there, completely still._

_I want to break down, but I can't even do that... I can't do anything, not without them right next to me._

_''I can't... I can't...'' I don't know what to say - not that it matters; there's nobody here to listen. 'I have to,' I scratch my head and can feel my fingers ticking against the side of my head. I can't feel my legs, like I'm floating - but not in a good way._

_I slowly kneel down, putting my hands down on the floor with hesitation. I let myself drop down, laying there: not being able to think, breathe properly, say anything... My head is resting on the floor with the phone next to it. ''Ma'am, I'm so sorry for you. Are you still there?'' I can hear the panicked voice on the other line, wondering why I'm not responding._

_I kind of want to calm down, tell them I'm okay; that everything is fine and that I'll move on. That's also what I want to tell myself._

_I want to tell, no; convince, myself that I'm okay, that I'll be fine and that I'll move on. Tell myself that they weren't my family. Tell myself that I did not just loose the six most important people in my life._

_But I can't tell myself that, first of all because except from my quiet sobs I can't make a sound. Second of all, because it's not true._

_I shake my head; bury my head in the deep-pile carpet. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I told them to keep themselves safe, they promised me they would. They said they would be careful, made a vow that they wouldn't let themselves get hurt._

_And they kept a part of that promise: none of them got shot, not a single bomb went off and nobody got stabbed. The unsub got arrested, locked behind bars. They thought they were safe, nobody had any worries about the plane ride home._

_I can only guess how scared they must've been when they heard that one of the engines had broken. How scared they must've been when the plane went down in flames. After that they couldn't be scared anymore... they were all dead as soon as the plane hit the ground. _

_Inside I'm screaming. I was just shutting down my computers when I got the phone call. Never in a million years could I've seen this coming. _

_I want to be mad at them, blame them. They should've checked the plane. They should've... they could have..._

_I am unable to even finish my thoughts. I am on the floor of my little office unable to move, unable to get up. I hear somebody knock on my door. ''Garcia? Are you in there?'' I can hear Kevin ask - and I thought things couldn't get worse. Ever since we broke up we've been kind of hostile towards each other. Why does he have to stop by now?_

_''Look, I know you don't want to talk to me. I know you probably hate me but we have to work together anyway. Just open the door,'' I hear him say, he sounds frustrated. ''Look, if you are...'' he says as he opens the door and walks in. As soon as he sees me lie on the floor, curled up in fetal position, his voice fades away._

_I vaguely notice him rushing towards me; I guess a small part of him still cares. ''Penny, what's wrong?'' I hear him ask, but I don't answer. I don't want to answer him, talk to him - even if I did, I can't._

_''Somebody come help me!'' I hear him yell to nobody in particular. It's the last thing I hear before everything fades away._

I wake up with a startle, a tight grip on the pillow next to me. The curtains are closed but I can see light pouring in anyway. I groan and bury my face in the pillow. The same dream again - though maybe 'dream' isn't the right word, nightmare sounds about right though.

The most painful moment of my, so far, 36 year long live, and I have to relive it every night. Every single night for the past 6 months and I'm sick of it.

I sit up a little bit, looking around the messy room that I haven't cleaned properly in six months. That one phone call... technically I didn't die, but it sure felt like it.

Too much sadness, that was what it was. Not to be misunderstood; I'm still grateful for everything I do have. Or, grateful... perhaps also not the best word. People tell me to look on the bright side, look at the things I still have, not the things I have lost.

I still have my brothers, four brothers and I never talk to any of them because we don't get along.  
I still have my job, I should be happy about that. That was what people told me, until I got too depressed to actually go to work and I got fired.  
I still have a nice apartment - that means that it _was_ a nice apartment, now it's a pigsty where the curtains are always closed.

All the happiness I have known in my life, it's all disappeared one way or another. I could get over every loss, as long as I had _them_. Now the biggest loss of all had taken place and I can't get over it. Everybody I needed to deal with whatever crap life throws at me and move on, they're the ones who are gone now.

Sure, I had felt pain before. Pain that would make me feel like I was going to die. Certain moments when I felt like if _that one thing_ happened it would be the end of my life.

But this moment; part of me felt like I was going to die. Another part felt like it had gotten ripped to pieces, thrown on the floor, stomped on, set on fire. It made me feel like I was losing control over her life. I wasn't going to die; I was going to be all alone left to deal with the pain. Being left alone to fix everything - to find a way to 'just deal with it'.

That was what he had told me to do after the plane crash. That was what Kevin had said to me: ''Just deal with it, you'll be fine,'' he had said.

It had taken three security guards to keep me from attacking him. It had enraged me so much that all I could think about was breaking every single bone in his body, setting him on fire. Leaving him completely hopeless and broken on the floor and then telling him to 'just deal with it'. And then perhaps laugh in his face.

Those words, 'just deal with it', it haunts me every single time I see him. Who the hell did he think he was? He had always been kind of strange, maybe a little quirky - but those words... was he insane? Out of his freaking mind?

Just thinking about those words now I want to rip the pillow to shreds. Pretending that it was his body, pretending it was all the pain inside of me that was being ripped to shreds.

I take a deep, shaky breath. Trying to calm myself down but failing. I start crying with the realization that it hurts so bad that I want to take it out on somebody else. 'Maybe this is how serial killers feel before they kill their first victim. Maybe they have a lot of pain inside them too and they want to kill somebody just to get some relief. Just so they can think about something else other than the burning pain inside,' I think.

My eyes are watery and I don't bother to stop the tears from falling. I bury my face in my hands. I have to get rid of the pain somehow. Killing Kevin isn't going to help, it won't be enough. I need _them_ back.

Without really thinking about it I get up out of bed and walk out into the kitchen. I walk over to the fridge and look at all the things pinned up there under the magnets. Photos of the people I love, the people who loved me. I softly stroke all their faces. I look at one of the photos taken just a week before they all died:

Reid standing there with a grin on his face, a little shy. Hands in his pocket, not really sure what kind of pose to take for the photo.  
Rossi was leaning against one of the tables, relaxed as ever. A small smile on his face, trying not to burst out in laughter over the way JJ was trying to get them to smile for the photo.  
Hotch with his oh so serious face, dark eyebrows making him look even more serious. He just wanted to go home to see Jack that night.  
JJ, telling everybody to smile; always the cheerleader. A big smile on her face and one of her hands on her baby bump. Pregnant with a little girl that would never be born.  
Derek. Sweet Derek, I sigh when I think about him. The day before the crash he had, over the phone, let it slip that from the first time we met he had been convinced we were going to get married someday. He had said that he was officially going to propose to me as soon as they got back.  
And last, but definitely not least, Prentiss. We had lost her before... I had to lose her twice. You'd think it would make it easier, but it wasn't.

I wipe a few tears away, trying to ignore one of the other things hanging there. A letter from the airline company with an apology in it. Like that would make things okay.

There had been a lawsuit; they'd had to pay every member's next of kin some kind of compensation. My psychologist had asked me if I could ever forgive the airline company.

I had said yes, not because I'm not mad for letting this happen. Not because I'm okay with the fact that they are so careless that people had to die before they made changes in the routine checkup of the planes.  
I forgave them so I could move on, so I could be happy. I forgave them so I wouldn't allow them to let their stupid mistakes control my life.  
Forgiving them hadn't helped though...

I shake my head; I'm too pissed off right now to really think straight. I open the deepfreeze door and grab a pint of ice cream. When I close the door my glance lands on a picture of JJ with Henry.

Sweet Henry, my little godson who now has to grow up without his mother. I haven't seen him in months, unable to leave my apartment. I have my groceries delivered to me, and if I need anything else I have people I can call.

I grab a spoon of the counter, not caring if it's clean or dirty. Probably the latter. I don't even think when I grab the steak knife from the counter as well, keeping a tight grip on it.

I sink down on the floor, leaning against a cupboard. I put the ice-cream down, the spoon lying on top of it. I look at the knife for a second, watching it glisten in the weak light, ignoring the dried up blood on it.

I lay it down next to me, grab the ice-cream and spoon and eat a bit - looking at the knife the entire time. I scratch my arm, making all the cuts there bleed in the process but not caring.

I put the ice-cream down again and grab the knife. 'It has been enough', I think. 'I'm sick of it. Today it's all going to end.'

* * *

_''I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new._  
_I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too._  
_I think of you in silence. I often say your names._  
_But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame._

_Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part._  
_God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart._  
_I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I've cried._  
_If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died._

_In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still._  
_In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill._  
_It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone  
for part of me went with you,_ _the day God took you home.''_

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I know it seems pretty bad right now but I promise it will get better! And please review, it keeps me motivated constructive criticism helps me become a better writer.


	2. Where are you?

IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ: Just for the record I would like to say: I know this chapter mentions something about heaven. Though I do believe in life after death, I don't believe there's such a thing as heaven. The fact that I put that in this chapter anyway is not meant to offend anybody who doesn't believe in it, nor is this chapter supposed to offend anybody who thinks something like this can't happen after you die. No haters please!

Oh, and I know Garcia might be completely out of character but just remember: at this point she's been through a lot which has changed her dramatically!

Enjoy!

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Maybe one day it will be okay again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be okay again.

* * *

The past six months I've been wondering what this would feel like. How it would feel to have everything slowly fade away, feeling the live leave the body. Distancing myself from the empty shell that I've spent years being insecure about. That all seems so stupid now, it's not worth anything anymore.

But I don't have to worry about that anymore, I can move on. I have to wait until I see the light and then I can see all the people I love again. They'll be there waiting for me, welcoming me to be with them. Although they might be a little mad that I took my own life, it can never destroy how happy I'll be to see them again.

I think back to the last time I felt myself slipping away, when I got shot. But this time I'm looking forward to leaving earth, to walk up to the gates and spend eternity with the people I care about, the people I love.

I can see a vague light appear, getting brighter every second, but something doesn't feel right. I can feel my parents waiting for me; I can feel that they're there. But everybody else; Hotch, Morgan, Rossi, JJ, Prentiss and Reid... where are they?

I can feel a slight panic come up.

They're supposed to be there, waiting for me. I can feel that they're not there. This confuses me: they died six months ago, they're supposed to be here.  
''Where are you?'' I hear myself whisper and I can hear the sadness and confusion in my voice. I feel my legs become weak; this isn't how it was supposed to go.

I was supposed to be happy again...

I can feel tears pour down my face and a strange feeling washes over me. The bright light flickers for a second before everything turns dark right before a flash:

_I walk around, I can't see a lot because of all the dark smoke that surrounds me. I cough, barely being able to breathe. When the smoke clears up a bit I'm stunned at what I see. I stretch my arm and touch the cold metal: N550GA it says on the side._

_I take a deep breath, breaking out in quiet sobs. I sit down on the cold, dark sand beneath me. Why am I here? Who or what decided that I should see where my family died?_

_I can hear a soft moan come from inside and I freeze... 'What was that?' I think and stand up, I'm as quiet as I can be. The plane has broken into two pieces and I can walk in without too much trouble. I grab one of the cream colored seats as I almost trip._

_I look down; ready to kick whatever was in the way, away. I gasp when I see Emily lie at my feet. ''Emily?'' I ask, my voice shaking. I have a feeling that she won't be able to hear me so I look around. They're all there, some are lying on the floor, others are trying to stand up... but they're all there. They're not dead._

_I can feel my jaw drop in shock before I break down. ''You're all here! You're... okay...'' I say, ignoring the pain in both my wrists._

_But they don't look at me, they look in my direction but they can't see me. They're looking right through me. ''Is everybody okay?'' I can hear Hotch ask, taking the lead. Behind me I can hear Emily get up and she takes a few steps towards them. I can see everybody nod, except from Rossi; he is rubbing his neck with a pained look on his face._

_I can see Hotch look over at him, ''I'm okay,'' Rossi finally says._  
_I watch Emily walk over to JJ, looking very worried. I'm confused by this for a second before I remember: the baby. JJ is clutching her stomach in pain, trying not to cry._

_''Is she still kicking?'' Derek asks her as he helps her sit down in the only chair that is still in one piece. JJ nods.  
''Good,'' Derek says._

_''What do we do now?'' Reid asks and I glance over at him. He looks insecure. I had half expected him to start talking about what the odds are that they'd get out of this mess alive... but nothing. He seems flabbergasted, I can't blame him._

_''Where's the pilot?'' Emily suddenly asks, the only one noticing his absence. They all look over at her, wondering why they didn't think of that._  
_''I'll go check,'' Rossi states and walks off, leaving everybody else behind._

_For a minute there's complete silence, everybody glancing over at one another, everybody except from JJ who is doubled over in her chair. It's not long before Rossi returns; he doesn't say a thing, just slightly shakes his head. Everybody looks down at their hands for a moment, knowing that it could've easily been one of them who had died._

_I want to talk to them, telling them to hold on until somebody rescues them, but I know it's helpless. They can't hear me, and if this is what happened than they died anyway. Right? I can feel tears well up again as I imagine how scared they must've been. They died together... they survived a plane crash only to die later on. _

_I can feel my wrists itch again and start scratching. I can feel my clothes becoming wet and I look down. There are red stains forming on my pajama pants. The blood is pouring from my wrists uncontrollably. I freak out until I'm snapped out of it: ''You have to hold on,'' I hear Morgan say. I look back up and they're all standing there, in a row, completely frozen._

_''What?'' I manage to get out with a shaking voice.  
''You can't give up now. You have a choice: you can give up or you can hold on and get your life back together,'' Hotch tells me._

_''You have to hold on; you have to go back,'' JJ says - finally speaking up.  
''But I won't have you with me... what would be the point?'' I ask, choking back tears.  
''You'll figure it out, sooner or later... but only if you go back and don't give up,'' Rossi tells me in a fatherly tone.  
I don't know what to say, so I just stand there for a minute, ''but I want to be with you guys,'' I say, arguing back.  
''Baby girl... if you love us you should go back. Live the life we couldn't live,'' Derek says._

_I try to take a step towards them but it seems I'm only getting further away from them. ''What's going on?'' I ask confused but there's no answer._

''What's going on?'' I ask again though it comes out a little weird. My throat is dry and I have trouble breathing.  
''It's okay ma'am, you're at the hospital. You're going to be okay,'' I hear a voice say.  
I open my eyes and I can see a young man leaning over me. I blink a few times in confusion. I try to wipe a stray strand of hair away from my eyes and can see a white bandage around my wrist.

''I'm okay?'' I ask. The young doctor nods with a smile. ''I'm alive?'' I ask, holding back tears.  
''You sure are,'' he says and grabs my hand.  
I shake my head, ''no, no, no,'' I say as I break out in tears, no longer able to keep them under control. I can see the smile disappear from his face and I bury my face in my hands.

''Why couldn't you have let me die?'' I ask, looking up and already knowing the answer. I can see him struggling to come up with an answer.  
''Ma'am, I know things are tough now, but it will get better,'' he says.  
''No, no it won't,'' I say, shaking my head. I know they wanted me to hold on but I can't.

''I can't do this anymore,'' I tell him.

* * *

''Could you explain to me how you feel?'' I hear Dr. Hughes ask me. The young doctor that was there when I woke up, Dr. O'Connor, recommended this psychologist for me.

''There's nothing to tell,'' I say sitting back in the blue chair. I have my hands lying on my stomach. I haven't eaten much in the past six months and have lost a lot of weight. Now that I'm here they're forcing me to eat three meals a day and it's too much.  
''You must be feeling something,'' he says. He sounds sincere and has a friendly face but I don't care.  
''Dr. Hughes...'' I begin.

''You can call me Ben if you'd like,'' he says, interrupting me.  
''Ben, I lost my entire family,'' I begin and he frowns, ''they were my _surrogate_ family, and they're dead... I don't have a reason to live anymore,'' I say, curling up in my chair.  
''Aren't you happy that the doctors saved your life?'' I shake my head, ''the fact that you survived something like that tells me that there must be a good reason for you to be here. Aren't you even a little grateful that you didn't die?''

''They didn't save my life,'' I say and he looks confused. ''They couldn't save my life. I died six months ago... The moment that plane went down and my family died, I died too.''  
He tilts his head a little and gives me an understanding look.

''People tell me that I can live without them, but I don't think so,'' I say and swallow hard. ''I can't eat, I can't sleep... they made me who I am, I can't live without them,'' I say with a straight face.

I look to my left, out the window at the trees outside. ''Even if there's still a little live left inside of me... it's slipping away. I died when they did. Their deaths might've taken moments, but so far, I've been dying for six months... and it's still going on,'' there are tears coming down my face but beside that I don't show any emotion.

''Please tell me that this feeling is going to end,'' I say and bite my lip. I don't want to cry anymore.  
''We could make it end. You've already taken the first step: you came here. Together we can make you happy again,'' he tells me.  
I frown, ''I don't have to be happy, I just don't want to be miserable anymore.''

''You're strong; you can get your life back together. And yes, you can be happy, even if you don't feel like you have to be. Even if you feel like maybe you shouldn't be happy,'' he says and studies my reaction - or perhaps; lack of reaction. ''Is that how you feel? Like you're not allowed, not supposed to be happy just because they are not here to share that happiness with you?''

I shrug, he's right but I'm not going to tell him that.  
''How about you tell me what is on your mind?'' He asks sincerely.  
I don't immediately respond, there's so much on my mind, how am I supposed to know where to start?  
''What've you though most about since you came here two days ago?'' He tries again and writes something down on his notepad.

I clear my throat, ''ehm, I've been thinking most about...'' I look down at my hands, thinking for a second. ''I think most about what happened while I was... 'gone', I guess,'' I say.  
He writes this down before looking back up at me, ''What happened?''

''I saw the plane that had crashed, I saw my friends,'' I say and look off into thin air.  
''You saw their bodies?''  
I shake my head and he looks confused, ''not their bodies, they weren't dead. They were alive and they were doing... okay, I guess.''

Ben has a look on a face that says 'that's odd'. I figured it would be quite common to see things like that when you're in my situation. ''Is that unusual?'' I ask anyway. I can almost hear Reid clear his throat, ready to tell me about statistics of this happening. I almost chuckle, almost...

''It's different for everybody,'' Ben tells me. ''It's definitely not uncommon to see the people you've lost when you pass, but you know they're dead so they usually don't look alive. And if they do _look_ alive, you can still feel that something isn't right.''

''I do have a feeling that something isn't right, but... it's not about them. They looked alive, they felt alike. I have a strange feeling because they're not supposed to be... alive, not even in my dreams,'' I say.  
''But you know they are. You saw their bodies, you were there when they got buried, right?'' Ben asks me.

I think for a second, wondering why I didn't think of this earlier. ''They weren't buried... their bodies were never found...''

* * *

I wish that I could hold you now... I wish that I could touch you now... I wish that I could talk to you... be with you somehow.


	3. Holding Us Back

Okay, so I've been writing like crazy today. I know this chapter looks like it doesn't add much to the story but it kind of reveals why Garcia would have to go through something like this (believe it or not: there is a reason!).  
And a huge thank you to everybody who has reviewed my story; it keeps me motivated to continue and it inspires me for new storylines!

Enjoy!

* * *

''I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it's for or against.'' Malcolm X

* * *

It feels like I'm walking in slow-motion for hours, but in reality I just got out of the cab. Dr. O'Connor, Jeremy he lets me call him, told me that I'd might be a bit weak but I didn't expect it to be this hard.

It feels a lot harder than it did after I got shot - I don't know why, maybe because I had Derek to hold me up back then. It seems like the closer I get to the front door, the further away I get. When I finally get there something in the corner of my eyes catches my attention.

I look over and see one of my neighbors, Mrs. Nolan, watering her plants. I notice her concerned eyes checking me over to see if I'm doing any better than the last time she saw me; I was told that she was the one who found me after I tried to kill myself.

The last couple of months she sometimes brought over groceries, to help me and to make sure I was still alive. The day I cut my wrists her husband had gone out of town and she had come over. When I didn't open she looked through the window and I can only imagine what her reaction must've been. She is known to be bit of a drama queen from time to time and that combined with what she must've seen...

She prevented me from killing myself; I don't know if I should thank her or hate her. Since talking to Ben I'm not sure I want to be dead anymore, but then again; I'm also not sure I still want to be alive.

I think about this for a second and then look away from Mrs. Nolan again. I unlock the door and wrap my hand around the cold doorknob. The door opens but I don't want to look just yet. I don't know if they've cleaned up the blood, but I do know that at least the rest of the apartment will still be a mess. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath. A musty scent washes over me, it smells truly disgusting inside.

As soon as I open my eyes I realize nothing has changed in there. If you had to draw a picture of what depression looks like, this might be it. I walk inside and notice that though somebody did clean up the blood - possibly Mrs. Nolan - the curtains are still closed, there are dirty dishes piled up on the counters and there's dust everywhere.

If I want to figure out what happened to my team, my family - and I intend to do so - then I'll first have to create a livable place. Not one of those places they show you on the news followed by a story that the skeleton of a horse was found there, along with the remains of at least 30 dead cats.

I sigh and close the door behind me; I slide down against it and pull my knees up to my chest. I can feel the exhaustion taking over, not just washing over me but drowning me.

Before I get anything done I have to eat, and sleep. I stand back up, I've slept enough in the past six months; I'll have to eat something first. I check the cabinets and am surprised that most of the food that had been there - most of which had rotten away - had been replaced with fresh food. Mrs. Nolan again, I guess.

I eat some food and change the bed - which hadn't been changed in at least three weeks - and get some sleep. The first time in over six months that I didn't cry myself to sleep.  
The next day all I do is clean and at the end of the day my apartment looks somewhat livable.

Now I have to move on to the next part of my plan: finding out what had happened to my family.

If my dream had shown me what had actually happened than that would mean that they didn't die immediately. That combined with the fact that they were never found... All I know is that I have to discover the truth. The version of the story that I was told can't be true. I just... I just can't live with that version.

I sigh; I don't want to think about that. I don't know what I would do if I either can't figure out the truth, or have it be the version they told me in the first place. I know that this can hurt me even more than I'm already hurting, but... I have to know, I need to know what happened to their bodies.

I sit down on my couch with my laptop in my lap. I'm silently praying to God that my baby still works. It makes a loud noise as it's booting up - that's usually not a very good sign. It seems to take forever but finally my desktop appears. I let out another sigh of relief right before a small window pops up, ''24 Updates are ready to install. Would you like to install these updates now?''. I groan knowing that if I don't install them my laptop is going to shut down.

I click on ''install'' and put my laptop down on the coffee table. I make myself some tea and turn around in surprise when there's a knock on my door. I walk over and open it.

''Mr. and Mrs. Nolan! What a surprise,'' I say with, for the most part fake, cheerfulness. I'm glad somebody still cares about me enough to see if I'm doing okay, but I was hoping to be alone. The sooner I get my 'project' started the sooner I'll get answers.

''May we come in, dear?'' Mrs. Nolan asks me, her hands folded together in front of her. I can't help but notice that she looks like a little old grandma – and even though they're both in their sixties, they're still too young for that.  
It seems kind of rude to turn them away now so I open the door a little further. As they walk in I can see the looks on their faces change from pity to surprise. ''You really made a change didn't you?'' I hear Mr. Nolan ask me. ''Maggie here told me what it looked like before, she certainly did not describe it like this; more like a pigsty.''

I don't know if he notices that he sounds a bit rude, but I decide not to call him on it. ''Mr. Nolan...'' I begin.  
''Call me Dirk,'' he interrupts me, not even turning around to look at me. He's always been the rude one on the block, as sweet and caring as his wife is, that's how annoying and rude he can be. The worst part is that he doesn't even know he's doing it and he really only means well.  
''Dirk, I... ehm, I cleaned today. But yes, it was a bit of a mess,'' I say, trying to make small talk, trying to think of a way to get them out as fast as possible.

I can see Mrs. Nolan look over at my laptop, probably a little annoyed by the noise it's making. ''So, what were you doing?'' She asks me.  
''Just booting up my laptop, as you can probably hear,'' I say, a little abrupt. ''Would you like some tea?'' I give up on the idea of getting them out within 30 seconds.  
''Sure, thank you,'' Mrs. Nolan, Maggie, says. They both sit down on the couch as I walk to the kitchen and start making the tea for them. I'm not really listening to what they're saying, with everything that's going on it makes it hard to concentrate on more than one thing at a time.

Once I've made the tea I sit down in one of the chairs across from the elderly couple who were talking - about God knows what - while I was in the kitchen.  
''Do you have any plans on how you're...'' I can see her struggling to find the right words. It doesn't matter what she says; I know that she means that it might be hard to get my life back on track after I've let myself sank this deep into a depression.

I decide to spare the woman of an explanation. ''Yes, I do have plans. I want to figure out what happened after the plane crash,'' I say, realizing that it sounds a bit crazy.  
They look at each other confused. ''What do you mean?'' Dirk asks me.  
''Something just doesn't feel right about what they told me happened during the crash, and after it too. So now I am going to figure out what really happened to them,'' I tell them determined to do what I just said.

''Are you sure that's a good idea?'' Dirk asks me.  
''I don't care if it is or not, I have to do it!'' I say even though I know it sounds a bit harsh.

''Penelope, we're just concerned about you,'' Maggie tells me - putting on her mom voice. Over the past half year she was pretty much the only social interaction I had and every time we talked she sounded like she was my mother.  
''Don't be,'' I say. I'm pissed off and not afraid to show it, but I can feel tears burning behind my eyes. Hearing that they're concerned about me; it touches me to know that I might not be as alone as I thought I was. And besides that I know that they're right; this might not exactly be the best idea I've ever had. But what else can I do? If I don't figure it out now than I'm always going to wonder what happened, I will never be able to let it go.

''But what happens if you don't get the results you want?'' Maggie asks.  
''I'm willing to take that risk,'' I say. ''And besides, how can you be so sure that I'm setting myself up for disappointment. What if my gut feeling is right and they are still alive?''

''Wow,'' I hear Dirk mumble under his breath.  
Maggie gives him a look before she responds. ''Okay, let's talk about this _like_ they are probably still alive, somewhere out there.''  
It sounds strange to hear her talk about them; she never knew them that well. She knew their names, might've said 'hello' to them if they happened to run into each other. But she never had a real conversation with them.

I can feel a lump for in my throat as I respond. ''They_ are_ still out there. And I don't know why I had to go through losing all of them, but I did. And they're my family and I have to get them back,'' I say. The last part is coming out like a scream; I'm losing control over my voice through my sobs.

''Well, God has a reason for everything. There must be a reason why you had to go through all of this,'' Mrs. Nolan says. Personally I don't really enjoy her religious talk but somewhere she has a point; if there's a reason why I had to deal with this on my own - why I had to face the most difficult time of my life completely alone, than I have to figure out why. Though I don't believe there's a God out there, there is always the possibility that he exists and He won't let me find them until I figure out the reason.

''But... how am I supposed to figure out what it is? To figure out something like that I need them, it's questions like these that they helped me with,'' I say, wiping away a few tears.  
''Maybe that's just it,'' Dirk says, I had almost forgotten he was here - I was too focused on his wife.  
''What?'' I ask him, I could never quite follow where he is going with whatever he's saying.  
''Maybe you have to learn how to think for yourself. Maybe you had to figure out how to be able to deal with life without them,'' he says as if it's nothing - like it's not the one thing that could help me get my family back.

I think about this for a second and realize he might be right. But at this moment figuring out the why isn't at the top of my priority list. I'm sick of talking about it, I want to get started. I clear my throat, ''I think it's time for you to leave,'' I tell them and take a deep breath.

''Are you sure you're going to be okay in here, all alone?'' Maggie asks me. I give a nod and it's not long after that that I'm able to close the door behind them and sit down on the couch. I let out a big sigh, unsure of what to do. I want to start searching and my laptop is almost done with updating. I walk over to the freezer, get some ice-cream and when I close the door I'm brought back to that moment.

The moment in which I decided to let it all end, the moment when I decided that that day would be my last one spend on earth. Just like every other time in the past months when I closed the small door I can't help but look at the pictures pinned on it. I grab the one of the entire team and yank it off of the door, sinking down on the floor. 'Why can't you be here?' I ask myself, 'Why couldn't you have decided to... not get on that plane.' I can feel tears trickling down my face, I don't know how I'm supposed to figure out how I can live without them, but I have to. ''I'm going to find you,'' I say through my quiet sobs, determined to make that promise come true. ''I'm going to bring you home.''

* * *

''When I was younger crying always seemed to be the answer. Now that I'm older crying seems to be the only option.'' Unknown Author

* * *

Please review! I could really use some helpful criticism and feedback on my English since I'm still learning.


	4. So Close, And Yet So Far Away

This chapter explains a little bit more and has the beginning of the investigation as to what happened in it. I ran a spelling check and read it twice, but I have a feeling there are still some spelling and/or grammar mistakes in here. I apologize in advance for that!

Aside from that, enjoy!

* * *

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever.

* * *

My jaw drops as police report after police report pop up on my screen. I take a deep breath; it's going to take forever to read all of them. 'Don't give up now,' I think. I know that this is only going to be the first, small bump in the road to finding them. There are going to be a lot more, difficult, problems I'll have to deal with.

I open the first report; it's a couple of pages long. 'Think like a profiler. What would I be looking for?' The report pretty much tells the story I have been told: Something went wrong with the plane engine, it ended up crashing in the woods and, beside from the pilot, no bodies were found. The report is just a little more extensive than the version I've been told...

I close the document and open another report. They made a police report for every member of the team, but they are each slightly different as always in these kind of cases. It makes me sad to think that these kind of events have happened before... what if there's been somebody who was in the exact same position as I'm in now? I wonder what has happened to her, or him of course.

'Focus Penny,' I tell myself. What would Reid look for if he were reading this? Oh, right, he reads so fast, he doesn't have to look for anything in particular, he can just read the entire report before I'm done reading the first sentence. I sigh and put my head in my hands.

I start reading the report in Derek's file; I scan the pages real quick. It's the same one as Prentiss' one, it's the same... 'Wait, what?' I think and look a little closer. Part of the report isn't the same. Cause of the accident was a broken propeller, it says in this one. It mentions nothing about the engine breaking. ''Well, that doesn't make sense,'' I say out loud to myself.

Aside from that part it's pretty much the same story, just put into different words. I open the other reports and skip right ahead to the 'cause of accident' part. Some of them have the same story as Emily's, some the same as Derek's, but Reid's is something different: the pilot was under the influence of narcotics. I shake my head, this can't be right...

I close the reports and just sit there for a while, laptop in my lap. 'How is this possible? How come there are different stories? Is somebody trying to cover anything up, and doing a really bad job at it?'

I get another idea; something that might give me more clues as to what happened. I log onto a different program and pull up the satellite footage. Okay, I enter the date, the approximate time and the coordinates. As soon as I click 'enter' it opens up a new screen. I immediately recognize it and can feel a lump for in my throat. It takes me back to the vision I had when I was unconscious.

I take a deep breath before I zoom in and put it on time-lapse, waiting for the moment I get to see the plane crash. Waiting for the moment that killed my family, or not; if it turns out I'm right. I bite my lip when I can see the plane appear but it's not crashing yet. I clench my fists and look away for second, I try to hold back my tears but fail.

When I look back I see that the image has gone almost completely black, dense smoke filling up the air. I zoom in a little closer to the place where the plane crashed, waiting for the air to clear up. When it finally does I have trouble telling what I'm looking at. I turn my head a little trying to make up all the different shapes and make sense of it. I recognize the two parts of the plane, a few feet between the tear that tore the pieces apart. I can't see what's inside so I'm only guessing that what's going on is what I saw in my vision.

I time-lapse forward and I can see something move. I can't zoom in far enough to be able to tell if I'm watching my family trying to save their lives. It is a little blurry, I can't tell what it is but there's definitely something moving.

I take a deep, shaky breath and sit up a little straighter. All my attention, focused on one thing. This is what I've been waiting for. This is what I need to survive; this is what will help me get through the entire time that it'll take me to locate them. All the struggle I make come across, I'll be able to deal with it because of this. I slow the time-lapse down and continue to see things moving, it looks like a small group of people. Though it might only look like that because that's what I want it to be.

With all this footage I can just see where they're going and it'll lead me straight to where they are now, if I'm lucky. I rub my hands together; I'm going to find them. I'm going to keep my promise and take you home. 'You'll be okay, just wait and see.'

I can see them walking around, a little hesitant. Just a bunch of tiny dots moving around. Not even recognizable as human beings, but they're there. My hands flies to my mouth, I can't believe this is actually happening. I can actually feel the hope filling my body. I break out in sobs, relieved it's going to be over. Relieved it's all going to be okay... Relieved that there was a reason I didn't die that day.

I continue watching, knowing that I'm going to watch this all night long. As long as I need, just to figure out where they are now.

I frown when I can suddenly see something move at the bottom of my screen. It seems to be another group of people, or maybe... I don't even get the change to finish that thought before the screen blanks and a small, gray window pops up. I can feel horror fill my body when I read what it says: ''Footage Unavailable''.

I swallow hard and click it away, clicking on the black screen waiting for it to continue. ''Come on, come on... just please work damn it!'' I say to myself. The frustration is overwhelming. My hands are shaking, it has to continue; it has to show me where they are going.

I click the screen away and read the rest of the message. On that day there was a problem with one of the satellites. The exact one that taped the footage of that area. The _only_ satellite that covered that area. It is unclear what was wrong with it but the problem was eventually resolved.

I take a deep breath. My mind is pure chaos. Why that satellite? Why that moment?

I click back to the black screen, just waiting for something... anything to happen. ''Please just... do something,'' I say in a shaky whisper through my tears.  
My face lights up when suddenly the image recovers. It's the same woods; I look at the time... nearly 5 hours after the last footage I saw. The tiny dots are gone... my family is gone. I touch the spot where they used to be on my screen.

I take a moment to calm down before I zoom in on another part of the forest, but there's no movement. No tiny dots, no family, no hope... It's all gone.

I let out a scream in frustration as I practically throw my laptop on the coffee table and stand up. I start pacing around nervously, running my hand through my hair over and over again. It can't just all be gone like that, it just can't.

I run to the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach in the porcelain bowl before sinking down on the floor. Curling up on the small rug on the cold, hard floor. I feel paralyzed, all the strength that was so strong just a few minutes ago, it's gone.

The hope I had that was going to help me through all the tough times, it's pouring out of me as I cry uncontrollably. My entire body aches, a burning sensation in my limbs. I bite my lip and hit my head against the floor a couple of times, punishing myself. I'm not sure why I do this; it wasn't my fault, but... What if I could have done something sooner? What if I had started looking earlier? What could I have done to have prevented them from getting on that plane?

I hit the floor a couple of times with my flat hand, smash my head into it a couple of times again. And then I just lay there. I'm not even crying anymore. I don't feel sad, I don't feel frustrated... I don't feel anything. Just a painful emptiness that can never be filled.

I feel exhausted, something I hadn't noticed before. I lay there a while. I don't know how long but, since I'm too tired to get up and go to bed, I close my eyes for just one moment, one second I just need there to be darkness. But when I open them again there's a ray of sunshine pouring through the small window.

I must've fallen asleep, not that it helped; I'm still exhausted. I stand up slowly, and in pain, and walk over to the mirror. My reflection startles me; my hair is messed up, there are mascara stains on my cheeks all the way down to my chin and my skin looks paler than it ever has before. I shake my head in disapproval, mad at myself.

I just stand there for a moment, looking at myself. 'I have to take a shower,' I think and I see myself frown in the mirror. My head is pounding and when I turn to look at the shower I get dizzy. My vision is blurry for a moment but I shake it off. 'Shower, shower,' I think. I get into the shower and start running the water just a moment before I realize that I still have my clothes from yesterday on. But I don't care; they had to be washed anyway.

I undress myself in the shower and I get out about ten minutes later. I dry myself off and get dressed. It's only a matter of minutes before I'm back in the living room. I pick my back up and while I sit down I silently pray that it still works.

I can hear myself sigh in relief when it boots up again just fine. I am ready to type, my hands at the keyboard but I can't think of anything. Complete silence in my mind, not a single thought. I frown and start tapping my fingers against the side of my laptop, waiting for inspiration. Are there any other ways to get more information?

I have a feeling that there's such an obvious answer to that question, but nothing comes up. I put my laptop on the coffee table and sit back on the couch. I catch myself biting my fingernails; I took over Prentiss' habit after she died. It's completely ruined my nails, but I don't really think about that. When I look at my nails I see Prentiss.

I can hear her soft voice reassuring me that everything is going to be okay. I just have to relax and then I'll be able to figure it all out.

'Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.' For a few minutes that's all I tell myself to do. And then the restlessness comes back. I put my laptop down beside me and walk over to the fridge. As I open the door I can hear my stomach growling. I pick up two rolls and some egg salad. I eat while pacing back and forth.

I notice I feel nervous - for I don't know what - when out of the blue the doorbell rings. It's a happy little tune that used to cheer me up, now I don't even pay attention to it anymore. I rush over to the door, hoping to see the team on the other side but expecting Maggie. I'm surprised when I see Erin Strauss on the other side.

Her hands are folded in front of her and she has a sympathetic look on her face that almost says: ''you poor, baby.'' This is the last thing I expected. For her to come over here, and look like she's going to be nice to me... it's a shocker.

''Strauss!'' I say without thinking about it, like I'm warning the team that she's heading our way.  
''Ms. Garcia,'' she acknowledges. She looks like she's waiting for me to invite her in so I step aside. Without any words she welcomes herself in and hands me her coat. I stand there looking at her before getting into action. I hang up her coat and look at her.

''W-would you like something to drink?'' I manage to get out; just looking at her makes me nervous. Even though I don't work for the FBI anymore- and haven't officially for a few months - I still feel like I did something wrong and I'm going to get punished right now.  
''Penelope,'' she begins. Wait, she calls me by my first name? ''Come sit down.''

I sit down next to her on the couch, my couch. It takes a moment for me to realize that she actually has the nerve to tell me what to do in my own home!  
''What are you doing here?'' I ask her, sitting up straight. I can feel knots in my stomach but I won't let it show.

''The tech team informed me this morning that someone, to be mentioned later, hacked into our system last night and reviewed footage from the day a certain plane crashed. I have a feeling that you know who that person is,'' she says with raised eyebrows.

I don't say a thing.  
''What were you thinking?'' She asks me and I can feel myself break down. She's all I have left, except from the bittersweet memories, of my time at the FBI and I want to open to her.  
''I need to know what happened to them,'' I blurt out.

''You know they're gone,'' she begins but I won't let her continue.  
''That's the thing! I don't know that they're gone! My mind is telling me that they are, but my heart screams, every single day, that they're not. I can feel that they're somewhere out there!'' I tell her. ''And last night I found evidence that proves they might have survived the crash.''

We're both silent for a minute or so. ''You have evidence?'' She then asks me and I nod.  
I'm half expecting her to start telling me - try to convince me - that it can't be true. But nothing...  
''I just need access to more files to be able to piece together what happened so I can find them,'' I say with tears in my eyes, explaining my train of thoughts.

''What do you need?'' She asks me. I look at her confused, why would she want to know that? She is the one who wants me to stop breaking into their system. ''If you tell me what you need I'll help you. I'll get the files for you.''

* * *

Every new day is another chance to change your life.

* * *

Please, please, pretty please review! It would really help me to get some feedback.


	5. With Or Without You

Okay, so much for this being a one-shot. I'm actually thinking there might be a couple of chapters left after this one, but I don't know yet just how many chapters there'll be. For now, this chapter will at least explain a little more, I hope. It will also raise a lot of questions so try to make sense of it.

Enjoy!

* * *

''God helps those who help themselves.'' Benjamin Franklin

* * *

I smooth out my pink skirt with my flat hands as I follow her down the hall. I'm focused on the clicking of my chunky heels on the marble floor. I try to act as naturally as I can but inside I'm nervous. I have to act the way I did approximately seven months ago, the way they know me. She holds open one of the glass door and I enter one of the conference rooms.

There are two boxes on the table and I rush over to look at what is inside of them: a bunch of papers, recorders and some other things. I look around and can see Strauss walk over and she sits down in one the chairs next to me. I sit down as well, unsure of what to say.

''Do you think you could use any of this?'' Strauss asks me with raised eyebrows. I grab one of the papers and take a quick look at it. It has details about the crash on it.  
I give a slight shrug, ''Probably, at this point pretty much anything helps.''  
She has a satisfied look on her face and stands up, ''good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting.'' She says and starts heading for the door.

''Ma'am?'' I ask her, I need to know.  
She turns around to look at me. ''Enough with the formality. You can call me Erin if you'd like,'' she tells me.  
''Erin,'' I begin, it sounds a little weird, ''why are you doing this?''

She looks at me confused, ''what do you mean?''  
''Why are you helping me?'' She has to know that all the papers, all the recordings she is giving me... it's against the law since I'm no longer an employee here nor am I any kind of official investigator on this case, which is already closed.  
''We can talk about that later,'' she says with a slight, kind of sad smile and leaves.

I let out a sigh as I sit back in the oversized black chair. I grab an external hard drive out of one the boxes and plug it into my already booted up laptop. It has a label on it: ''FDR and CVR''. This is all the information from the black boxes. FDR stands for 'Flight Data Recorder' and CVR stands for 'Cockpit Voice Recorder'.

I first pull up all the information from the FDR: the Time, Pressure altitude, Airspeed Vertical acceleration, Magnetic heading, Control-column position, Rudder-pedal position, Control-wheel position, Horizontal stabilizer and the Fuel flow all pop up. I take a deep breath and just stare at all the information in front of me. This can tell me so much about what happened but I don't understand any of it.

I close the frame and go to the CVR to see if there's anything on there I might be able to use. I don't know what might be on there. I know that they use these devices on planes but I've never really had to use this. I'm surprised when I see a file of what was said in the cockpit in the half hour before the plane crashed.

I open the file and the document looks like a script; basically it's just who said what. That day it was only one pilot, no co-pilot, and the team on-board. I can see an entire monologue of what he, Willie Lloyd, the pilot, said during that time. Surprisingly much considering he was by himself.

I read the entire thing, not very interesting until I read the line: ''What the hell is wrong with that propeller?''  
'Huh, so it was the propeller,' I think to myself. When I finish reading it I close the file and sit back. It says nothing about anything being wrong with the engine and from what I could read the pilot didn't sound like he was on any kind of narcotics.

I run my hand through my hair. I don't know how this is going to help me later on but it at least show there's something not right about what I had been told. Which sparks the hope that other things might not have been right either.

I turn around when I can hear the door open. It startled me; nobody is supposed to know I'm here. I sigh in relief when I see it's Strauss, excuse me; it's Erin. It still sounds strange... It has been a little over half an hour since she left.

''Wow, that was fast,'' I say and turn back to the table.  
''I know. Did you find anything?'' She asks me and sits back down.  
''Yeah, I read the script from the CVR,'' I glance over real quick to see if she knows what I'm talking about; the look on her face tells me she does, ''I was told that the plane crashed because of problems with the engine but that script... it clearly shows there was something with the propeller, not the engine.''

''Okay. And?'' She asks me.  
I look over at her; doesn't she see the significance of this? I decide that I'm not going to explain my train of thought to her, I don't want to risk getting into an argument and end up losing all of this information.

''Erin, why are you helping me?'' I ask her again, she still owes me an explanation for that. I can see her hesitate. ''It's okay, you can tell me,'' I reassure her and notice that I almost sound like I did before all of this happened.

''Because I have to find David,'' she says with a straight face. What does she mean, she has to find David? Why would she want to know where Rossi is?  
''Why do you want to know where Rossi is?'' I ask her.  
She looks away for a second; it almost looks like she is ashamed to tell me the next part. ''We started dating about... 4 months before the plane crash. I need to find him, I need to know that I can bring him home and bury him,'' she tells me and I can feel my jaw drop.

''You were dating him?'' I ask her, my voice a few octaves higher than usually.  
She nods, the shamed look fading a little bit.

This certainly explains why she would help me. Before this I wasn't sure if I could even trust her, considering her behavior in the past. But this... this changes everything.

''Now answer my question,'' she tells me and I look at her confused, not being able to remember what it was. ''Why does it matter if the engine broke, or something was wrong with the propeller?'' She explains, knowing I forgot.  
''Well, because they told me that the engine broke. If they lied about that, who says they didn't lie about anything else?''

''You think they might have lied when they said the whole team had died?'' She asks me and I can hear slight shock in her voice.  
I nod at her. ''Why does that shock you?''

''I thought that this was just about finding their bodies, not about them being alive,'' she says and sits down in the chair next to me, looking me in the eyes.  
''I think, no... I know that there's a change they're still alive. The satellite footage that I saw, it clearly shows movement after the crash,'' I say.  
The expression on her face is pretty cold, ''I think we should just treat this case like we're looking for bodies, not living people,'' she says.

''Why?!'' I ask, it comes out like a small scream. I'm telling her that they might be alive and she just wants to dismiss that?  
''I don't want you to expect unrealistic things,'' as I hear these words I can feel shock come over me. ''I just don't want you to get your hopes up,'' she says.

''I'm not expecting unrealistic things. I can feel in my heart that they're out there. Alive! And yes, I'm getting my hopes up. But for a good reason. I need that hope, it's all I have left!'' I say and can feel the tears burn. ''That hope is what keeps me breathing, what keeps me from trying to kill myself again. That hope is what keeps my heart beating!'' I yell at her while I stand up.

She looks at me, not saying anything back. I don't know if she just doesn't want to talk to me, or doesn't know what to say, but I don't care. I storm out of the room and practically run to the elevator. I push the 'going down' button repeatedly. When the doors finally open I want to rush in but am stopped by the sight of Kevin inside.

''Penny?'' He asks surprised. We haven't seen each other since that day...  
I take a deep breath, shaking the thought off of me. ''Kevin,'' I acknowledge and turn my heel and head for the stairs. Last thing I need is to have to deal with him after all these months.

* * *

_I focus my eyes, trying to see something in the pitch-black darkness that is surrounding me._  
_I gasp when I can see Derek appear in front of me. There's a weak light shining on him. More light appears, but everything, except from him, is vague. I can only see him clear._

_''Penelope, baby girl, you have to stop trying so hard. Just follow your heart. Not everything you find along the way will help you, but if you think logically everything will make sense. All the pieces will fall into place. I know you can do this, I know you have the brains to figure it all out. All you have to do is when you have all the information you think you'll need, is to sit down and follow your heart as you try to fit all of it together._

_''Don't try to rush anything; it's not going to help you. Take all the time you need, and don't ever blame yourself if something goes wrong. People will try to keep you from finding out the truth, there will be many obstacles on the way, but you can do this. I have faith in you. I know you sometimes feel like you don't deserve all the faith I have in you, that you feel as if you haven't proven yourself enough to earn it, but... Faith... it's a knowledge within' the hearts,'' I can see him put his hand on his heart, ''it's beyond the reach of proof._

_''All I want to ask you is to never give up,'' I shake my head while I look at him, I won't give up. I can see him grin, ''I knew I didn't have to worry about that with you. But this is just the beginning; it's going to get a lot more difficult. When people do try to keep you from the truth... just remember that we trust you and that we love you. When you want to give up take a moment for yourself to sit down and think, and feel my love come over you. We might be miles apart for quite some time, but it doesn't matter... I'm always here. The miles don't matter, we may be two different people and we might not be able to see one another, but we are one soul. Our love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies._

_''You'll be fine honey,'' he says. I can feel him grab my hand and I look down. I stop breathing when I can see him slip a ring on my left ring finger as he's saying: ''I, Derek Morgan, take you, Penelope Garcia, to be my lawfully wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.''_

_I can feel tears fall down my face. He smiles at me with such love on his face that it makes me want to lay in his arms forever._

I sit up straight in bed, light shining through the thin curtains. My hand is on my pillow and I can feel it is wet from my crying. He has put his life in my hands, I'm literally going to be the one to safe them or not find them on time which will lead them to their death. I think back to what I said earlier today; ''I need hope, it's the only thing that will keep me going.'' I can feel my clenched fists; I have to hold on that hope.

* * *

''Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.'' H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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Thanks for reading and, as always, please review.


	6. Clues

First of all I'd like to thank you all for your kind reviews, and besides that a BIG thank you to Jenny Crum who is helping me be able to continue this story.  
This chapter is a little shorter than the others but a lot happens. Also; please don't get mad about the therapist scene. This chapter is going to have a lot more clues about what is really going on. The end of this chapter might be a little strange, but I challenge you to figure it out!

Enjoy!

* * *

''Love has its own instinct, finding the way to the heart, as the feeblest insect finds the way to its flower, with a will which nothing can dismay nor turn aside.'' Honore de Balzac

* * *

I move a little closer to the screen and unpause it. For the past 15 minutes I've been watching the satellite footage of the crash over and over again. I have some photos from the sight next to me. Who is that at the end of the video? What is moving towards them?

Zooming in on them will only show me one big blur; I can't make out any forms whatsoever. I bite my lip. Derek was right: I have to stop trying so hard. This used to be a piece of cake for me, why should this be any different? I have to distance myself. I should just treat this like any other cases and stop thinking about the fact that this could save or kill my family.

I open Microsoft Word® and sit back in my chair. Who would want to hurt my friends? This is hard; there are so many people grateful for the work they do. Maybe people who think they were wrong; who think that the wrong person was arrested in some case. Maybe fans of serial killers? It's always surprised me that serial killers can have fans. The sickest psychos have the biggest, and sickest, fans.

I type it on the computer. I open a different program and start looking. It's a matter of seconds before all of the information from all the cases pop up. 'Okay, cases from Oregon and Nevada,' I think as I type, actually; I type faster than I can think as long as I know what to look for. The plane crashed in the woods a couple of miles north of Elko, Nevada.

There are still a little over 150 cases left. The BAU has been active for so long, thousands of cases have come and gone. I narrow it down to cases from the past twelve years. Still too many left... I take a deep breath, cases between Redmond, Oregon, and Elko, Nevada. That ought to narrow it down.

24 Cases left, I smile. At least that's manageable. I download all of the reports from those cases and start reading. I have to look for any abnormalities.

After reading the entire night I manage to get it down to 8 potential cases that can have something to do with everything that's going on now. It surprises me how many cases left people unhappy. And these are just the cases in which that is mentioned in the report.

All the people that've been helped, people who are still alive because of what the team did, all the victims that were prevented because the UnSub was caught before he or she could get to them. Those are the people that I always focused on. I didn't think about the people who knew the UnSub, who might've lost a dear friend because he got locked up.

Could those people be after the team? Could they actually be so mad that they would want to hurt the team?

Before I can narrow this down any further I have to figure something else out: did the UnSub have anything to do with the plane crashing? And if they did, how could they have taken the team too? Unless of course they were working in teams, but who can pull that off? And how can you plan were a plane is going to crash?

And then there's the possibility that they didn't have anything to do with the plane crashing, and just took them after that. But how could they know where the plane crashed? And how could they get there before the paramedics?

And besides that you would have to work in a group. Just one guy, even with a gun, won't be able to take all six of them with him. You'd need two, three, maybe even four people. And they'd all have to have something against the team.

I lean my elbows on the small desk in my living room, looking at the screen. I slowly rub my temples; I can feel a major headache coming up. Neither one of them sounds plausible; of course you can't plan where a plane is going to crash. But considering the fact the problem was the propeller, which is external, I can't really exclude it as a possibility.

Because of the unlikelihood of that I'll think of the other possibility. How can you get people of a plane, kidnapping them, before the paramedics arrive? Who would have access to the information that would get them there so soon?

I look online for more information, it really sucks that I don't have all of the resources I had when I still worked for the FBI. After searching for a little bit I eventually find a website that explains the procedure when 911 is dialed.  
I skip through most of it; the call is answered all the necessary information is written down. The police gets notified, as are the fire department and hospital when needed.

''In some cases when the fire department is needed volunteers who live nearby the sight will be notified as well.'' I read this again. It is possible in this case. There have got to be people living in the woods were the plane crashed, they could've had access to all the information.

It won't be that difficult to figure out, but it'll have to wait 'til later. Right now I have another appointment with my psychologist, Dr. Hughes.

* * *

''So, how are you feeling?'' Is the first thing he asks me.  
I had barely sat down when he asked that. ''Ehm... okay, I guess,'' I say and lean back in the blue chair.  
He cocks his head to the side, ''care to explain?''

''I'm not as down as I was before...'' I look around, ''all of this.''  
''What have you done since you were released from the hospital?'' Ben asks me.  
''I've cleaned my apartment, I've had my neighbors over for coffee. I have talked to my old boss and I've been... doing research.'' I say and watch him as he writes it all down. He has a pale, olive skin tone, black hair with a hint of grey in it and blue/grey piercing eyes. I guess he's somewhere in his early-fifties.

''What kind of research are you doing?'' He asks me, looking back up.  
''Well, remember that I told you that the bodies were never found and that I had a feeling that something wasn't quite right?'' I ask him and he gives a slight nod as he writes something else down. ''I have been doing research to figure out what happened during and after the crash.''

He looks back up at me, obviously unsure whether this is or isn't a good idea.

''I think that if I know a little more and maybe even find the bodies that it will give me some closure,'' I say. I'm not exactly fond of the idea of telling everybody my business. Ben doesn't have to know that I'm not looking for bodies, but for my family, alive.  
''Okay,'' he says. ''Is it helping you? Are you feeling better now that you're doing this?''

''A lot better,'' I say, just now realizing how much it has helped me. ''I don't think about the fact that they're gone all the time. Although I kind of do... I do but I don't.''  
He looks at me confused, ''In what sense does it and in what sense doesn't it?''

''It does because I'm looking for them,'' avoiding the words 'bodies' and 'alive', ''so I'm constantly thinking about where they are now. But I don't because I'm not thinking of them in the sense that I now have to live the rest of my live without them.''

I frown, ''does that even make sense?'' I ask him with a slight smile.  
''Not entirely but I know what you mean,'' he says with a grin which forms small dimples in his cheeks.  
I catch myself checking him out and I immediately stop myself, 'don't do this. Don't be one of those girls that develop a crush on their therapist.' I tell myself. 'Just because he's cute... Don't call him that! Just because you think he's _handsome_, doesn't mean you like him.'

''How do you feel about what you did?'' He asks me. ''How do you feel about the fact that you tried to kill yourself?''  
''I'm not sure. At that moment all I wanted to do is die, but now... all I want to do is find them,'' I say determined.  
A smile forms on his face, ''does that mean you don't want to die anymore?''

I nod, ''I think so.'' I say. But what happens if I don't find them? What do I do then? ''I think I'll be fine. Can't I sign somewhere that I won't kill myself and go?''  
''You know it's not that easy,'' he tells me and I give a slight nod. ''What's the rush?'' He then asks me.  
I think for a minute or so. 'What _is_ my rush? Obviously he wants to help me, he is a nice person, for what I've seen, and he's not exactly hard on the eyes either.' I think with a grin. 'Oh man, what's wrong with me?'

''No rush,'' I say curtly.  
He gives me a strange look and then clears his throat. ''Is there anything you'd like to talk about?'' He asks me. I shake my head, I just want to go home and continue my research, clearly I can't tell him that. ''Any questions?'' He asks me.

* * *

_''You shouldn't give them that!'' Vincent shouted at his brother, Anthony, who was putting some of the groceries in a box._  
_''Yes, you should,'' Bobby screamed, pushing his older brother Vincent away. ''You know it's not right to hurt people. You should let them go and let them continue their lives in freedom.''_

_''Just leave me alone!'' Anthony screamed, putting a blanket on top of the groceries. His brothers got on his nerves all the time, why couldn't they just let him be? Why did they always have to be around? Only in his dreams he found an escape from the two older men._  
_''Dad, are you okay?'' Anthony looked up when he heard his 15-year-old son, Liam, come into the kitchen. He hadn't even heard him coming in, too focused on Vincent and Bobby. _

_''I'm fine. Could you bring this to them?'' He asked. He shoved the box into his sons' arms without waiting for an answer and stormed off. He couldn't believe his son wasn't bothered by his two uncles screaming all the time, he had to figure out how to do that as soon as he had time._  
_''Sure, dad...'' Liam looked down at the box in his hands and let out a sigh. 'Why do I always have to do this?' He thought in frustration. He didn't want to hurt them anymore, but he had to for his dad. All he had to do was wait for his father to make sense again, he hadn't been the same since the car accident..._

_''Why did you do that? It's only to keep them alive longer! You should have killed them a long time ago. You should make them suffer the way they let us suffer!'' Vincent yelled again, getting annoyed by his little brother._  
_''You should just let them go. You know you can't kill them! Just sitting back and waiting for something to happen isn't going to do anybody any good. If you let them go everybody can move on. Don't you want Liam to be able to grow up in a house without a bunch of abductees?'' Bobby asked as he and Vincent followed Anthony to the downstairs bathroom._

_''Go away and let me think!'' Anthony shouted in tears. He fled into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Shutting the doors in his brothers faces. He quickly locked the doors, hoping he could escape from them, though he knew it was a lost cause. He looked up and they were standing right in front of them. _

_''You can't run from us,'' Vincent said laughing. ''Haven't you figured that out yet?''_

* * *

"You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't." Lorenzo Dow

* * *

Please review, I know the end of this chapter might've been a little confusing with all those names so I need to know if it all still makes sense before I continue.


	7. Little Talks

So, a bunch of things happen in this chapter. I think it turned out pretty well. I would once again like to thank you all for your reviews and a special thank you to Jenny Crum for helping me out with this.

Enjoy!

* * *

''You have within you, right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you.'' Brian Tracy

* * *

''... plane crashed ... we need medics over here ... pilot is dead ... woods north of Elko ...'' Erin looks up at me as we listen to the tape. It's the 911 call Hotch made after the plane crashed. The reception out there must be really bad. Most of what was said isn't understandable, it just sounds like he's babbling, not making a lot of sense.

I sigh as the tape comes to an end and press the stop sign. We sit in silence for a few minutes, trying to wrap our minds around what we just heard.

''Wow,'' I hear Strauss say quietly. It's so difficult to hear this tape, hearing how they're struggling to get help. But more importantly: it's concrete evidence that they survived the crash. It doesn't prove that they're alive right now, but... at least it's something. This is the first moment that I realize that deep down I still had some doubts about whether or not they'd survived. But all that's gone now.

I'm ready to go find them; I need to bring them home now. This certainty is only making me more determined.

''Okay, so... what's next?'' I hear Erin ask me and I look up from my laptop back at her.  
''I'm going to try and figure out who could've gotten there before the paramedics did,'' I say and immediately start typing again.  
''Couldn't they just have started walking away and gotten picked up by somebody who then took them?'' She asks me.

I frown at her. ''If it was taking too long they could've done that,'' she tells me, trying to make me see her point.  
I nod, ''they could've. But I don't think they would do that. They know it isn't a very good idea to just leave, and besides; JJ was in too much pain to be able to walk very far,'' I say.

''What?'' I hear her ask and I look back up. I notice the confusion on her face and realize what I just said. ''How would you know JJ was in too much pain?'' She asks me.  
''Ehm... I didn't mean that she was in that much pain. I meant that considering the fact that she was nearly seven months pregnant, along with the fact that a plane crash can be very painful... It would just make sense that she would be in a lot of pain after that,'' I say, really fast. There's a mixture of confusion and doubt as to what I'm saying is true on Erin's face. I decide to just look back at my screen and continue looking and let the moment pass, hoping Erin will do the same.

I notice her looking at her watch after I've been searching for a few minutes and she still hasn't said anything. My guess is that she doesn't know what to do; she knows Rossi is still alive, she knows that somehow she should help me in saving him, and everybody else, but there's nothing she can do. She has given me all I need that could help me find them, she's been lying to people back at the bureau so they won't find out, there's nothing else she can do.

I slightly jump when her phone starts ringing; she has a really loud, annoying ringtone. The tune sounds familiar but I can't quite figure out what song it is. ''Strauss,'' I hear her say as she gets up and walks out of earshot.

She comes back less than a minute later. ''I have to go,'' she simply says as she grabs her purse.  
''Where?'' I ask her. What can be more urgent than this?  
''They need me back at the bureau, I'll come back tomorrow,'' she says and walks out the door without any more words being said.

I look at the time on my laptop. I have a meeting with Dr. Hughes in half an hour. Come to think of it; Erin having to leave couldn't have come at a better time. This way I won't have to lie to her about where I'm going, or explain that I'm seeing a psychologist. Though she might already know that; it's pretty standard protocol after a suicide attempt.

* * *

I'm back in my blue chair again.

''Are you sure that's a good idea?'' I hear Dr. Hughes, Ben, ask me.  
I've just told him about the fact that I'm looking for the team, hoping to find them alive. Now that I have actual evidence that they survived the crash I think I can tell him. ''I don't care if it's a good idea. This feels like the right thing to do for me,'' I say, letting out a sigh.

''What do you expect to happen when you find them?'' He asks me, he sits back in his oversized black chair and looks at me in concern.  
This takes me aback, I hadn't really thought about that. I've been so focused on trying to find them that I hadn't thought about what happened after that. They'll be completely traumatized, in bad shape; they might never work for the FBI again. When I think about it I realize that I just want things to go back to the way it was, with them looking for the bad guys and I'm helping them from afar.

It'll never go back to that, it'll never be the way it was. Nothing I can do will make it that way ever again. I swallow hard, a little at loss of words.

''Penelope,'' Ben leans over, resting his forearms on his upper legs and looking at me, attentively. ''I know that you want what you had. I don't want to risk that you find them, only to be devastated because it doesn't turn out the way you had hoped. I don't want your search of a happy ending getting in the way of living a happy live. When you find them, just be happy that they're there. Cherish that. Don't try to force perfection. You know what it's like to live without them, don't risk that again by trying to make things the way it was.''

I can feel a tear roll down my cheek. I wipe it away as others fall too. ''I haven't even found them and I'm already crying over what things will be like when I do.'' I say to nobody in particular. Just thinking about the words I forget that the person saying them is in the room with me.

He hands me a tissue, ''it's okay,'' he tells me. He must get people in here crying all the time.

''Aren't you worried about what things will be like afterwards?'' He asks me. ''Aren't you worried about that you won't be where you want to be?''  
I take a deep breath, ''I may not be where I want to be by then, but I'll thank God every single day that I won't be where I used to be. Where I was less than a month ago.'' I say, promising myself this.

When I look back up I can see a satisfied smile on Ben's face. ''You really know how to make a girl cry, don't you?'' I ask him with a semi-smile.  
''So I've been told,'' he says, smiling back. My breath stops for a second when we make eye contact. I swallow hard, trying to look away.

We are broken out of our little trance when my phone rings. I immediately grab my purse and fumble around in it, taking a deep breath. ''I swear I thought I had turned this damn thing off,'' I say to Ben. I read the name on the screen: 'Strauss'.  
I look back at Ben, ''actually, this is kind of important,'' I say, trying not to sound guilty.

''It's okay,'' he assures me. ''I'll just go get some more coffee,'' he holds up his mug, ''do you want some too?''

I shake my head and he walks out of the room. I wait for the door to close behind him before I answer my phone. Before I have a change to say 'hi' Strauss already starts talking. ''Garcia, I need you to come down here now.'' She says to me, I can't remember her ever sounding so serious.

''What? Why?'' I ask her confused.  
''A problem has come up, you have to get here as soon as possible,'' she tells me.  
''O-okay,'' I manage to get out. I don't know what she's talking about but it sounds very serious.

Before I can say anything else she hangs up. I sit there looking at my phone for about a minute when there's a light knock at the door. I turn around and can see Ben peep his head through the small door opening. ''I couldn't hear anything. Are you still on the phone?'' He asks me.

I shake my head and he walks in, closing the door behind him again. ''Are you okay? You look... confused and a little stressed,'' he says as he studies my face and walks over to his chair.  
I slightly nod my head, ''I'm okay, but I have to go,'' I say. I stand up and grab my coat from the back of the chair, putting it on.  
''We still have twenty minutes left,'' he says as he looks at his watch and walks over to me.

I let out a frustrated sigh, ''can't we just add those twenty minutes to the next session?'' I ask him as I grab my purse which was next to my chair.  
He puts his hands in his pockets, ''that's not how therapy works. Maybe if this was voluntarily I could do that, but you don't have much of a choice.'' He says.  
''Ben,'' I say, not sure what to say. The way I say his name almost sounds like I'm begging him to let me leave.

He lets out a deep breath and looks at me for a second. ''Do you promise that you won't hurt yourself?'' He asks me despite the fact that he already knows the answer.  
''I promise,'' I say anyway.  
''Okay, fine. You can go,'' I hear him say and I immediately turn and walk out the door. As I'm walking down the hallway to the entrance I can hear him say, or rather yell, at me: ''just this one time, though!''

I don't bother to respond.

* * *

I'm a little out of breath as I walk through the entrance door of the FBI. I'm met by Erin as well as two other employees. ''Miss Garcia, if you'll come with us,'' I hear one of them say and I glance over at Erin.

They walk in front of us as we go over to the elevator and go up a few floors. We get out on the floor where the team used to sit. I can see a bunch of people sitting there. Erin and I are walking behind the two men. ''Who are they?'' I ask Erin as I nod over to the people sitting the behind the desks.  
''They are the new behavioral analysis unit,'' she tells me in a way that sounds like she's not very impressed by them.

We follow the two men into one of the conference rooms, the same one where I sat less than a week ago with Erin. ''Take a seat,'' the taller man says.  
Erin and I both sit down. Clearly she already knows what this is about, she looks very uncomfortable knowing what they're going to tell me. She looks mad, disappointment, sad and confused all at the same time. This can't be good...

* * *

We walk back out about a half hour later. I feel a little tired and weak all of a sudden. ''I can't believe this,'' I say as we sit down in two chairs that are randomly standing there.  
''I know,'' Erin says. ''But we can still...''

''No!'' I say, interrupting her. ''This, all the information they have in their database, all the things you gave me access too... it's all we had. It was why I was able to figure out what I could.'' I tell her.

The men told us that some FBI technical analyst had discovered that I was going through all the files related to the crash. They had managed to track down my IP address and find my name.

They had decided that Strauss would be suspended for a yet to be decided amount of time.

Besides that they had managed to add extra barricades to the system. When I had heard what they had done I immediately recognized it as one of the most difficult things to crack. Almost impossible. Pretty easy to add to a system, but nearly impossible to crack. There would be 'round the clock surveillance to look for any hackers.

But the thing that pissed me off the most is that I know there's just one person in this entire building who knows how those kind of systems works, just one person who would be able to add it to their system. And I used to date him...

I look up as if I can feel him coming; I can see him walk on the other side of the hallway, Kevin Lynch. I can feel rage fill my body and I try to stand up before Erin stops me, ''he's not worth it,'' she says.

I glance over, knowing she's right. I sink back into my chair, ''this is going to take forever,'' I say quietly, wanting to cry. ''Why is this all taking so long?''

* * *

''Do not wonder why things are ''taking so long.'' In fact, everything is rolling out exactly as it needs to, using not a minute more than perfection requires. Rest easy and be at peace. Life is working its magic even as you take your very next breath.'' Neale Donald Walsh

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I hope you all liked the chapter and please review!


	8. Singing The Song Of Angry Men

Okay, so there's going to be a little 'solution' in this chapter to all the difficulties they're having. It might be an unexpected somebody but I thought that it would fit into this story just fine. Aside from that a big thank you for all of your reviews and a huge thank you to Jenny Crum for helping me come up with ideas for the story!

Enjoy!

* * *

''Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.'' Thomas A. Edison

* * *

_Anthony looked at the screen when his cell phone started ringing. 'Matthew Goulden', it said. ''Dude, where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for days,'' he immediately said into the phone, not even greeting Matthew._

_''Sorry, okay… I've been busy trying to clean up the mess you made,'' he heard Matthew say on the other side._

_He let out a sigh in frustration, ''I know I made a mess of it all. Maybe I should just get rid off…''_

_''No! You're not going to do that. First of all; you can't kill them, they out number you greatly. Second of all; you know you can't kill a baby, even you're not that heartless. Third of all; it's not going to do you any good. Yes, you'll be able to get your life back but after a while you'll go crazy knowing what you've done. Just please listen to me and don't do anything stupid now,'' Anthony listened closely. He knew that Matthew was right._

_''But then what am I supposed to do? I can't keep them there forever,'' he said._  
_''I know, just a little while longer. I'll come up with a plan, I promise,'' Matthew told him._

_''You've been saying that for months and they're still here. Vincent and Bobby are driving me crazy; Vincent keeps telling me to kill them, Bobby keeps telling me to let them go, I don't know what to do anymore. They follow me everywhere, I can't get a moment of peace and it is making me go completely insane,'' Anthony said, pouring his heart out._

_''Try not to listen to them, they can't hurt you. They can't even touch you. All you have to do is ignore them and take your medication. Okay?''_

_''Okay… but just a little while longer,'' Anthony finally agreed. 'He let out a sigh, ''If only it were that easy…''_

* * *

I'm spinning around in my chair, looking up at the ceiling. I'm waiting for the moment that a light bulb will go on and I'll get the idea of a lifetime. It's all I want, all I need. I'll be able to find them; all I have to do is... I blank.

I let out a sigh and stop my chair from spinning any further. After the wave of dizziness has passed I look back at the couch where Erin is sitting. Her hands are neatly folded in her lap and she has a slight frown on her face, all in all she looks quite uncomfortable. ''Any ideas?'' She asks me.

I take a deep breath before I shake my head 'no'. ''Nope, not a clue,'' I say. I bury my face in my hands, ''this sucks.'' I say, it comes out in a half-screaming kind of way. There's nothing else to say. We don't have anything else, no more resources. There's nothing left that will help us find the team. I don't get it; yes I broke some of the rules, but shouldn't the bureau be happy that one of their most successful teams is still alive? Shouldn't they be happy that we're close to finding them? That we will find them if they'd just help us?

But instead they decided that if we get caught hacking into their files again that we might end up doing some serious time in the slammer.

The last time I tried to hack into their files they asked me to come apply for a job at their office, why is this any different? ''I don't get it. Are they trying to keep us from finding out the truth?'' I ask Erin, looking back at her with narrowed eyes to see how she responds to this. If the FBI might be trying to stop my investigation, who says she is not helping them? Who says that she isn't following me around to see how much I can find and then tell the bureau that?

''Maybe they just don't want to admit that they might be wrong about what happened,'' she says with doubt in her voice. ''Though it is kind of suspicious that they had people write the reports which are pretty inconsistent... I don't know how they might be involved in all of this,'' she finally just says.

I frown at what she is saying. Obviously she's just speaking her mind, as worried about all of this as I am. ''They've got to be involved in this one way or another,'' I tell her. ''It just doesn't make sense why they would do this. Why would they want to cover up these deaths?'' I ask her.

''Maybe they're not...''  
I don't even let her finish, ''they're covering up something.'' I say. ''That's all that matters.''

''So, new plan?'' She asks.  
I look at her for a moment, ''there's no plan. We don't have anything.''  
''That's why we have to make a new plan. You've already found so much information... don't give up now,'' she tells me.  
I frown at her. It doesn't sound like something she should say. If anything, I thought that she would just throw in the towel and leave.

''We're too close to give up now,'' she says.  
I close my eyes for a second, thinking about this. ''Okay,'' I decide, if we're going to do this than I want to give all I have, ''I'll make the coffee.'' I get up and go into the kitchen. While I'm waiting for the coffee to be finished I look out the window above the sink.

_''Penelope, baby girl, you have to stop trying so hard. Just follow your heart. Not everything you find along the way will help you, but if you think logically everything will make sense. All the pieces will fall into place. I know you can do this, I know you have the brains to figure it all out. All you have to do is when you have all the information you think you'll need, is to sit down and follow your heart as you try to fit all of it together._

_But this is just the beginning; it's going to get a lot more difficult. When people do try to keep you from the truth... just remember that we trust you and that we love you. When you want to give up take a moment for yourself to sit down and think, and feel my love come over you.''_

I take a deep breath, remembering the words that Derek told me. I have to take a step back, try to make sense of the things I do have. If I do that, I'll be able to figure this all out. If I do that I might have a shot at finding them.

'Okay, a step back... If I had never gotten any of the info that Strauss gave me I'd still be looking for them. What would I look at if I didn't have access to the FBI files?' I pour the coffee in two mugs and walk back into the living room. Erin is looking through some of the stuff on the coffee table. Thankfully the FBI didn't come by to see if I had printed any of the files.

Not that I have much; just the reports, which I have already read, and some photos from the 'crime scene'. I sit down next to Erin and place our mugs on the coffee table; the coffee is still too hot to drink.

''So, what now?'' Erin asks.  
''We'll just work with what we have,'' I say and grab one of the photos, nearly knocking over one of the mugs as I'm doing so. Erin looks over my shoulder at the photo. It shows some pieces from the plane and a lot of trees in the background. There are also a bunch of trees on the ground since the plane had knocked them down whilst it was crashing. That's strange; if the paramedics or cops had gone into the woods it would have to be mentioned in the reports and it wasn't.

''That's odd,'' I say with a frown.  
I don't know why I hadn't noticed these before, there are quite a few there. Certainly enough to have it have been the entire team walking there, maybe even more people.

We look through another couple of photos. One of them also has the footsteps on it. They seem to be going very far into the woods. I look up a map of the area online and look for the place where the plane crashed; it's a pretty big open field now. Not very far from there there's another open field which is accessible by a small dirt road which leads to a paved road a few miles away. It is the only paved road through the woods though there are quite a few dirt roads. Probably for tourists or something.

''Wow, I can't believe there's somebody actually living there,'' I hear Erin say and I turn to look at her with a frown. She notices this and nods at the screen. ''There's a house there,'' she says pointing at it with her index finger.  
I look back at the screen. There's a pretty big, brownstone house with a thatched roof. I hadn't even noticed it before. I zoom in on it a little further.

'If somebody lived in the woods, especially that close to where the plane crashed, they could've gotten there way before the paramedics or the police did,' I think. I have to figure out who lives there. If whoever lives there didn't take the team, they might know who did.

I look back at Erin and I notice by the expression on the face that she's thinking the same thing.

'Now all I have to do is figure out who lives there,' I smile. With every that's going wrong, this is actually pretty great. 'And I didn't need the FBI to help me figure it out either,' I think happily.

I can feel my heart skip a beat when suddenly the doorbell rings. I look up from the screen and then look back at Erin. ''Who could that be?'' She asks me.  
I give a slight shrug. In the worst case it could be the FBI who are taking away everything I could use to find the team. In the best case scenario it could just be Maggie Nolan, here to bring me some more groceries. Though with her chatty nature that wouldn't be great either.

I keep my fingers crossed as I put my laptop down on the coffee table and walk to the door. When I open the door there's a dark-haired woman who seems to be in her early forties in front of me. ''Can I help you with something?'' I ask her. I try hard but I can't remember if I've ever met her before.  
''That depends, are you Penelope Garcia?'' She asks me, she sounds a little unsure whether or not she's at the right house.  
''Yes I am. Why?'' I ask her.

''My name is Alex Blake, I work for the FBI,'' she begins and I can feel my heart stop. 'Okay, worst case scenario it is,' I think. ''May I come in?'' She asks. I hesitate for a moment but then realize that she has come here alone. If she were here to arrest me or do whatever, they would've sent more than one person.

''Sure,'' I say and open the door a little further. She walks in but stops dead in her tracks when she sees Erin sit on the couch. ''Erin,'' she simply says.  
''Blake,'' Erin says as she's standing up. Even though I watch the two of them acknowledge each other, they don't seem to be too thrilled to see one another.

''Take a seat,'' I tell agent Blake as I motion to one of the chairs. She clearly wouldn't want to sit next to Erin.  
''Thank you,'' she says and sits down as I sit back down on the couch.  
''So, what can I do for you?'' I ask her.

''Actually, it might be what I can do for you,'' she says and I throw a glance at Erin who doesn't move a muscle. ''I heard that you're 'investigating','' I hate the way she says that, ''the deaths of the former BAU team.''  
I don't respond, I don't know if she's here to come help me or if she's somebody the FBI has send me to come look what I'm doing. It seems best not to be saying anything right now.

''I want to help you, and I think I can,'' she says.  
''Even if I... we are investigating that, which I'm not saying we are, I don't think you could help,'' I tell her as politely as I can. What could she possibly do besides from spying on us?

''I could give you access to the files the FBI has on the case,'' she says.  
''Those are all protected, nobody can access those files,'' Erin says before I have a change to respond. Not that it matters; I would have told agent Blake the exact same thing.  
''Unless you have a username and a password,'' she says with a small smile. ''When I heard you were investigating this I started asking around about the meeting you two had with agents Goulden and Thornley,'' she is referring to the meeting Erin and I had with agents Matthew Goulden and Isaac Thornley, both bosses of the bosses so to speak, they were the ones who told us that they had caught me hacking into their system, ''I decided to find out what they had told you and if there was any way I could help.''

''Why would you want to help us? You know you can get fired for this, right?'' I ask her suspiciously.  
''She's an old friend of Hotch','' I can hear Erin tell me quietly; just soft enough so agent Blake won't be able to hear her.  
''I used to be a close friend of agent Hotchner, when I heard that he was involved... I just want to help him. If there's any way he's still alive then he has to be found. Not just him but all the others too. Not just for themselves but for their families and friends too, especially their children deserve to get their parents back,'' she tells me.

I tear up a little bit. I have thought about Henry a lot these last couple of months but never visited him. I haven't thought much about Jack though; he's living with Jessica now.

''I know that there's a way I can help,'' agent Blake says, ''If you'll let me, I'll give you access to everything that I have that you need.''

* * *

''When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.'' Paulo Coelho

* * *

So I hope y'all liked it and please review!


	9. Hopes And Disappointments

As always I'd like to thank all of you for your reviews, follows and adding this story to your favorites and a special thanks to Jenny Crum for helping me with the story. In this chapter you'll notice that Erin and Pen have actually grown quite close, now I know there are bunch of you out there who don't like Erin but I think she's okay and she's actually there to help. Also, a lot more will be revealed so please tell me what you think of all the new information.

Enjoy!

* * *

''Learning to trust is one of life's most difficult tasks.'' Isaac Watts

* * *

I glance over at Erin, remaining quiet. At this point we don't need any words; she knows that I have doubts about letting agent Blake helping us. Agent Blake is currently in the bathroom so at least we can talk about this.

''Should we trust her?'' I whisper to Erin. If I talk out loud than she might here us all the way in the bathroom.  
Erin shrugs, ''what is the worst that can happen?'' She asks me.  
I roll my eyes at this question, the answer is so obvious. ''She can rat us out and put us in jail,'' I say a little louder than planned.  
''Ssst,'' Erin goes before she whispers back: ''think about it. Would you rather not trust her and maybe never find the team, or do you want to risk this and maybe find them?''

When she puts it like this it sounds pretty easy. And besides; without the team I won't have much of a life anyway, who cares if I sit the rest of my crappy life out in jail?

Before I can respond agent Blake returns from the bathroom and sits back down on the couch. ''So, have you two though about it?'' She knows that we won't trust her that easily. As I'm thinking about this I remember something I read a while ago: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. And this definitely seems too good to be true, but I can't think about that; I have to trust her since she will be able to help us find the team.

I just need to know a little more about her, maybe that will help me trust her. ''What do you do for the FBI?'' I ask her.  
''I work for the new behavioral analysis unit, I'm a linguistics expert,'' she tells me.  
I hate the idea of this; the new BAU team. Like my family could just be replaced. Perhaps it's like that for the FBI, but definitely not for me.

''So, the new BAU team, huh? What's that like?'' I ask her, silently hoping that the team doesn't do as well as my team did. Not that I want a bunch of serial killers to be able to continue whatever they're doing; I just don't want anybody to be better than they were.  
''It is okay. Everybody on the new team was originally put in other teams and this is just temporary. They're actually still looking for people to fill the empty spots permanently,'' she tells me.

I just give a slight nod. Erin looks over at me with a look that just says: 'let her help us already. Give her your laptop so we can find the team.' I know that she is right and let out a sigh. After all that has happened I find it hard to just trust others easily. I think I've been hurt to many times to just let people in, they always leave me wondering if I really made it that easy to just walk in and out of my life.

I grab my laptop off the coffee table and am about to hand it to agent Blake when she holds her hand up. ''I think it would be best if we used my laptop, aside from the username and password they might look at the IP address too,'' she says.  
I hadn't even thought about that. She grabs the bag I hadn't noticed she had brought with her and gets her laptop out of it. She boots it up and logs onto some program. When she hands me the laptop I immediately recognize the system, it's one I've used many times. It's one I helped built, and now I can't even access it without help.

I think of where we left of the investigation yesterday: the house in the woods. With the help of a little map, that was built into the program for moments like these, I'm able to find it in less than two minutes. Because of the color of the house it is a little difficult to find; it's also the reason why I hadn't noticed it before Erin pointed it out to me. As soon as I get the address I open the program with which I'm able to find the owner of the house.

I stop typing when I suddenly notice how quiet it is in the room. I look up and notice agent Blake and Erin throwing subtle, but dirty, looks at each other. Something must've happened between the two of them. ''Is there a problem?'' I ask, looking back and forth between the two women.

''No!'' Agent Blake says at the same time as Erin says: ''Well...'' I knew I would never get a straight forward answer from agent Blake; she doesn't look like the type of person to talk about that. But Erin knows that I can tell when she is lying now, we've spend so much time together these past two weeks and talked so much that it is very easy to tell how she's feeling about agent Blake.

''Agent Blake...'' I begin.  
''You can just call me Alex if you'd like.''  
''Alex, and Erin,'' I start again and take a deep breath. ''If there's some kind of problem you two have to work out we can talk about that.'' I tell them.  
They both shake their head 'no'. ''A lot has happened between us in the past, but finding the team is more important now. I want us to work together and let the past be the past,'' Erin says to Alex.

She just nods, ''call it truce?'' She asks.  
Erin just nods in response and they shake each other's hand.

''Okay then,'' I say and start typing again while they make small talk in the background, probably just catching up about what happened after whatever went wrong between them. After about a minute of searching I have a name. When I worked for the FBI this all went a lot faster but when you run the program on your private computer it tends to be quite slow. ''Anthony Gardner,'' I say out loud. Alex and Erin stop talking in mid-sentence and look over at me.

''What?'' Alex asks me with a frown.  
''There's a house near where the plane crashed and Anthony Gardner lives there,'' I explain to her. ''He could've easily had something to do with the abduction.''  
''Well, he couldn't have done that alone. Is there anybody else living there?'' Alex asks me.

I start typing again, I look up when more information pops us and I've read it. ''He lives there with his 15-year-old son Liam. His wife died a few years ago of Hodgkin Lymphoma,'' I say as I continue looking. ''He is the youngest of four siblings, he had three older brothers who all died, that's sad,'' I say a little taken aback, what are the odds three out of four siblings die? I decide not to dwell on this too much: ''Vincent is the oldest and died in a car accident 5 and a half months ago, then Bobby who died in the same accident. And then there was... Christopher who, oh my god,'' I say with shock.

''What?'' Erin asks me confused.  
I look back up at her, ''he was arrested for the kidnapping and murders of nine teenage girls nearly two years ago and has been sentenced to death. He got beaten to death in prison a little over ten months ago,'' I say. I notice the slight shock in my own voice.  
Alex lets out a sigh, ''let me guess, your team where the ones that arrested Christopher,'' she says and I just nod.

As soon as I had read the name it sounded familiar, now I know why. It also makes Anthony even more of a potential suspect.

''Do you suppose this will be enough to get a search warrant and to convince the FBI to send a team out there to investigate?'' Alex asks me.  
I shrug, that was never part of my job. I don't know what kind of evidence the team had to have to get permission to just go into a house looking for victims. ''I can give it a try,'' Alex then tells me.

''But what if they reject that?'' Erin asks nobody in particular it seems.  
''Can we risk that?'' Alex asks.  
''I just want them to come home as soon as possible but I this doesn't work out then we might not have anything anymore,'' I say.

''Can't you just make a back up of the program to your own laptop so you can continue searching if they reject it, or God forbid; we're wrong about this?'' Erin asks me.  
I think about this for a split second. I can make a copy for now to one of my external hard drives. And while it's copying the files it takes to install the program to that we can go down to the bureau.

While I set everything up Erin and Alex are going over all the things I printed that we could use as evidence and Alex makes a call to ask if she could have meeting with agents Goulden and Thornley. She doesn't mention that Erin and I are also coming over, that would only make things worse.

''They've agreed to talk to me in 45 minutes,'' she tells us when she hangs up the phone. Her laptop is copying files so I glance over at Erin, ''is everything there?'' I ask her.

She nods, ''okay, lets go!'' I say, growing more excited every second.

While we're all putting on our coats I glance over at the picture pinned on the refrigerator door. 'Told you I'd bring you home,' I think before we head out the door to my car.

* * *

''How long do you think this is going to take?'' I ask Erin as we're sitting on a bench outside of the building. Neither one of us is exactly welcome inside after the little meeting yesterday so we decided to wait out here. Alex said that she could explain all of our findings to the agents by herself.

Normally I'd be suspicious about this since she was so okay with doing it by herself but since we're not allowed to go in, I decided not to press the matter.

''I don't know. You found quite a lot so it might be a while to show them all of it,'' Erin tells me.  
I nod, ''I just really want to know. I really want to get them home,'' I say and can feel the tears come back. Why do I start crying every time I think about this?

''Pen?'' Erin says to get my attention back. I look back at her. ''I just wanted to say that even if they don't think it will be enough and decide to decline our request, you did a real good job. The FBI didn't help you enough after the crash, in fact: we didn't help you at all. And that was wrong; many cases were solved because of your help and you should be proud of that. I know that I might not be speaking for everybody in there,'' she nods at the building, ''but for as far I know the bureau is really grateful for everything you have helped us with.''

I tear up a little bit more and take a deep breath, ''thanks Erin.'' I say simply. I'm not sure what to say to this. The team has always thanked me for my help but the FBI never let me know if they were happy with my work. 'They were probably still pissed that I tried to hack into their system so many times when I didn't work for them,' I think with a slight smile.

I notice Erin look up at the entrance and I follow her gaze. We both stand up as Alex comes back out.  
''So?'' I ask hopeful as she walks over to us.

''I'm so sorry,'' she says quietly as she shakes her head 'no' and I can notice a hint of tears in her eyes.

* * *

''The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.'' Robert Kiyosaki

* * *

So, some new information, a BIG disappointment. What do y'all think? Please review and let me know!


	10. Part 1: The Shadow Of The Truth

Okay, so this is the first part out of two. After these two only a couple more chapters will be left and maybe a prologue will be added as well. I'm going to write the next part to this as soon as I can, but I can't promise it'll be up tomorrow. Anyways, thank you all for your reviews and, as always, a special thanks to Jenny Crum for helping me with this.

Enjoy!

* * *

''I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.'' Unknown Author

* * *

I slam the door behind me and slide down to the floor against it. I have both my hands cupped over my mouth, trying to keep myself from screaming. Such a simple, short word: 'No', and it was told us so easily, so careless. They don't even care about if we find the team or not, they do not care about other people. They are supposed to be FBI agents; people who risk their lives to save others so how can they be so careless about this?

I haven't said a word since Blake told us the news, just feeling the boiling anger deep inside me, taking me over; leaving me speechless.

We did everything we could, our evidence was undeniable. I have seen plenty of teams come up with a lot less evidence and still get the permission to search the UnSub's house.

What the hell were they thinking? They should be happy that we found all of this information, that we have a potential suspect for all of this! But no, they told us we should give them evidence that is actual proof. Evidence that shows the team at the house!

How can we possibly get that?! Do they just expect us to go in there and look around for a while? Do they expect us to go and ask our UnSub if we may please come inside his house, take a few pictures of the team in his house and then come back later to arrest him?

'They must be insane', I think and slam my hand against the door as I stand back up. I walk around in circles trying to calm my breathing. It is not working. I slam my flat hand into the wall a couple of times, pretending it to be my former bosses faces, or maybe even Kevin. I will do anything to get rid of this frustration.

'Uh oh', is all I think as I notice that I am walking into the kitchen to the cutlery drawer. 'Don't do this! Resist the temptation', I tell myself. My mind is screaming, telling me not to do this. 'Close the drawer, put back that knife!' But my body won't listen.

'Just one little cut', I think as I put the knife on the sideboard and roll up one of my sleeves. I look at all the scars. Most of them are very pale, a few months old. With my right hand I stroke the soft, pink scar on my left wrist. I grab the knife from the sideboard again, and I sit down on the floor. I keep a tight grip on the carving knife. 'One little cut and you'll feel better. Just do it, you know you want to', I can hear the annoying voice in my head again.

'Shut up!' I argue with myself as I keep repeating to myself that I shouldn't do this. I drop the knife to the floor and it just misses my foot by an inch. I wrap my right hand around my left wrist, as if it was bleeding again and I'm trying to stop it. I start sobbing uncontrollably, burying my face in my hands, trying to keep myself from going crazy. 'Just pretend the pain will leave your body with the tears', I tell myself. Just let go of the pain and it will go away. You'll be fine, just calm down.

I drove Blake and Erin back to their own houses on the way home so I'm all alone now. While I was driving I just wanted to get home as soon as possible, now I think I could really use somebody near me. Even if it's just to be there, somebody to pour my heart out to, somebody that can wrap their warm arms around me, holding me tight, and say that it is all going to be okay.

I used to have Derek do that for me. He was always there. I need him more because he isn't here. Looking back now I feel like I took him granted all those years he was there for me, all the times he held my while I cried. I can't help but feel guilty now.

Being with him is one of the reasons I cannot see him now. I left Kevin to be with Derek, we dated for a couple of months before the crash. And now Kevin is mad at me and he is trying to stop me from finding Derek.

I bury my face in my hands; I cannot believe this is really happening. It has been so many months since the crash, I've had so much time to deal with it… and now that I'm close to finding them, it is really sinking in what has happened.

I lick my lips and bite down on the lower one, stopping my tears from falling. I'm not going to cry over this anymore, enough tears have been shed; now I'm going to find them. I have to find them. I stand up, in what seems like slow-motion, from the floor and pick up the knife from the floor and put it back in the drawer. I can feel my cheeks become wet, though I hadn't noticed I was crying again before this. I wipe them away as I walk back out into the living room.

I'm about to sit down on the couch when I can hear the doorbell ring. I walk over to the front door as I wipe my tears away again. For the first few weeks after the crash I used to rush over to the door as fast I could; half expecting the team, or at least Derek, to be on the other side. Now that I know they are still alive that feeling is coming back every time I hear the door bell. I open the door and try to stop myself from sighing in disappointment when I see who's on the other side; it's Maggie Nolan.

She has a smile on her face, but it immediately fades away when she sees my face. ''Oh Penny, dear, what's wrong?'' She asks me as she pushes me back inside, invites herself in and closes the door behind her.

''It is kind of hard to answer that question when nothing is right,'' I say with a sigh as I sink back down on the couch in tears.

* * *

''You want your evidence, I'll give you that!'' I say, though it sounds more like I'm yelling it, into thin air. I'm lying down on my bed. I can see the first rays of sun shine through the curtains. I jump off the bed. I'm still in the same clothes as I was yesterday. I talked and cried for hours with Maggie next to me, listening attentively.

But now the sadness and self-pity over the situation has kind of faded away a little bit. Now I'm just pissed.

Maggie told me to go to bed as she was leaving and I decided to actually listen. Not that I slept; I just thought the entire time about what to do next. Erin and Alex are coming over around ten so I want to find some evidence before they're here.

I walk back into the living room and grab my external hard drive. I plop down on the couch with it in my one hand, the other grabbing my laptop from next to me on the floor. They need more evidence? I'm going to collect all the evidence I can!

It takes me about half an hour to move all the files to my laptop and to install the programs. I may need all of them so I might as well install all of them together at the same time.

''Okay. Anthony Gardner. , lets see what I can find out about you,'' I say to myself. Within minutes I have found articles about the car accident had gotten in to, I've found a report from a psychiatric hospital about the fact that, apparently, he's schizophrenic. I've found his family tree mapped out and I've found my way to his house on the map that is built into the program.

I stand up and pace around, thinking about all of this. ''People do drastic things when there are major changes happening. His brothers deaths could be like a stress factor or something… but they didn't die until after the crash,'' I say in frustration. I grab a little, pink stress ball with a smiley face on it, that I always have lying around and squeeze it.

''He's schizophrenic; could that make him crazy enough to do this?'' It is a matter of seconds before I realize what I just said, ''sorry Reid.'' I whisper and throw the stress ball against the wall.

I think back to a thought I had earlier: if only I could just walk into his house, find the team there and bring that evidence back to agents Goulden and Thornley. 'Maybe I wouldn't have to go into his house...'' I think and rush back to the couch and pull my laptop back to my lap. I start typing as fast as I can. I wait for a moment as the map goes blank and says in big bold letters: 'Loading'.

I know that I'm close, what will pop up on the screen when it has finished loading will determine whether or not we're on the right track.

When it is done loading I type in the address and wait for it again... and... I cup one hand over my eyes as I zoom in on the house. I'm afraid to look, afraid that I might be wrong about this whole thing. Afraid that we've been on the wrong track since the beginning and that this investigation is going nowhere.

I can feel the nervousness build in the pit of my stomach as I look at the screen. It is a little difficult to make sense off it all. The blue and pink colors kind of blurry.

Why didn't I think of this earlier? Why have I been so stupid and not thought of this? I bring my hand down and put it on my stomach, my jaw dropped as I look at the images. Why didn't I think of using infra red heat lasers before? I don't need to go into his house, all I needed was this.

I can see that there are 2 quite big figures walking around the house, probably Anthony and his son Liam. A smaller one walking around which may be a pet, it looks a little like a dog at least. But there it is, there they are...

I can feel tears well up as I can clearly see six, smaller figures walking around. The fact that they're so small probably means they're in basement or something, but I don't care; they're there! I have found them...

* * *

''I'm so happy I cry, because I can't believe that all the things I ever wanted are finally happening for me. It is so surreal that I almost feel that any minute I can wake up from this fantasy, this dream.'' Unkown Author

* * *

So, what do you think? Please review and let me know!


	11. Part 2: The Sweet Taste Of New Hope

Okay, first of all: I'm so sorry it took me so long to update! I've been sick all week (and still am) so I couldn't write. I apologize for this. Second of all: thank you all so much for all of your kind reviews! They made my day(s)! And last, third, and definitely not least: a huge thank you to Jenny Crum for helping me with the story!

Enjoy!

* * *

''Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.'' Joseph Addison

* * *

I can feel tears run down my face. Crying because I'm happy doesn't happen to me very often, but this… this deserves it. I take a deep breath. It was difficult but they're there! They're alive!

I shake my head; it doesn't really sink in that my suspicions were true. Despite how happy I am it makes me so sad that the FBI wasn't willing to investigate this months ago, it would have spared so many people so much pain…

Just thinking about who were affected by these deaths… I think about all the families, the friends… but mostly Jack and Henry, what they must've been through, I can barely begin to imagine how they must feel.

I was glad that Henry at least still had Will, Jack had now lost both his parents… and he may even have been too young to remember them well as he got older.

I can't tear my gaze from the screen; I can see the small figures moving around a little bit. I can notice that one of them looks like they're sitting down and has kind of a strange shape. I turn my head a little bit trying to figure out what it is before I remember; it's probably JJ with her baby… A little baby, a little girl that was born in captivity. Who knows how she might be doing…?

I grab the phone from the side table and immediately call Erin and Blake, telling them to come over here as soon as possible. I don't even care it's barely 7 AM; this has got to be enough evidence to give to agents Goulden and Thornley.

I put my laptop on the coffee table and stand up. The information is just too much at this moment, I need to move around. I can feel myself become restless and start pacing around, trying to clear my head for a moment. I look over at the clock on the wall; it's going to be at least ten minutes until Erin and Blake get here.

I sit back down on the couch, my legs bouncing up and down. I put my laptop in my lap and start closing windows. None of it matters anymore; not now that I have this evidence. As I'm closing all of it down something catches my eye. Something stops me from closing down the family tree though it takes me a second to realize why, I gasp when I see it: there's one cousin of Anthony's whose name catches my eye. Matthew Goulden is the son of an aunt on Anthony's mother's side.

My eyes are fixated on it; if he has something to do with it than that could be why the FBI didn't investigate it. But if that's the case than he'll never give us permission no matter how much evidence we hand over.

I bite my lower lip; this could get even more difficult than it was. And it's going to be even harder because I know where my family is, I know that with the right help I can save them. Only agent Goulden is standing in my way, oh screw that; he doesn't deserve to be called 'agent'. You have to earn that title, he hasn't.

I can feel my breath increase, rage filling me completely.

In order to get my family home I have to get agent Goulden off this case; I have to have evidence I can use to convince people that he's hiding something. But how do I do that? I think for a few minutes before I get an idea: most phone calls are taped, there's a good chance that some of Matthew Goulden's phone calls were taped too.

I open a different program and look through one of the many databases in the program; it takes a few seconds to find his cell phone number on the list. It immediately tracks down where he is right now; he's at some house, possibly his own one, but at least he's not at the bureau. I click on the number and see a list of everybody he's called, and has been called by, in the past month.

I type in the date of the accident and there are a few names on the list, but Anthony Gardner isn't on there. I scratch my head and think. I type in the date of the car accident; lets just hope Anthony panicked enough to call his cousin. A longer list pops up on my screen but Anthony's name immediately catches my gaze. His one is at the top of the list. I double-click on it and specifications about the call pop up: where were both parties when the call was made, at what exact moment did Anthony call Matthew, at what time was the call ended, etc.

I say a little prayer before I scroll down to see if the call was recorded. I sigh in relief when an audio player opens itself and I press play. For four minutes I listen to the conversation between Matthew and Anthony. It's strange hearing the voice of the men that has ruined my life...

I clench my fists as I listen to the tape. There's a very panicked Anthony on there, rambling on and on about the car accident and then revealing that they had taken the team with them, locked them up in the basement and that they're still there. Anthony talking about how he needs help, hoping that his cousin, who works for the FBI, will help him. Obviously he has no idea on what to do, how to fix the unfixable mess he helped make.

It isn't until the end of the tape when Matthew starts panicking too. I shake my head; it's painful to listen to this tape. The way they talk about the team; it's like the team is a broken vase that Anthony and Matthew don't know how to put back together. They talk about the team, my family, the ones I love... as if they're just objects. They don't even care about the feelings.

After the tape has come to an end I just sit there for a few minutes, speechless. I think for a few minutes; what is going to be my next step? I have to get to agent Thornley; I have to show this to him. I have to have his permission to go over to Anthony's house and get the team back...

Without even thinking about what I'm doing I get up and, with my laptop in one of the bags that was lying around, I head out the door, out to my car. I run a few red lights on the way, but I arrive safely at the bureau within' half an hour. As I walk up to the entrance I see one of the security men look over at me, for a second this worries me, since I'm not allowed to really be here, but then I see it's Gerard. I've known him for a long time and with a little flirting it won't be very difficult to get inside. 'Just put on a sweet smile Penelope', I tell myself and can feel a large, fake smile bright up my face.

My plan works; it takes me barely a minute to convince him to let me in. Somewhere I should worried about this: it means that pretty much every woman can get in. But then I remember that he probably knows he can trust me, after all; he's known me for years.

I take the elevator a few floors up and get out on the floor were we had the meeting a few days ago. I walk around until I see an office that has his nametag on it. I knock and wait until I hear the faint 'come in' through the thick, wooden door before I walk in.

When he sees me he stands up from his black desk chair. I look at the tall, dark man in front of me for a few seconds, unsure of how to explain this all to him. ''You're not supposed to be here,'' he tells me as he puts his hands on his hips.

''I know, but just hear me out,'' I say as I get my laptop out of my bag and put it on his desk.  
''Let me guess, you found your way back into the system again, huh?'' He asks, not even having to think about this, he knows what I am, with a little help here and there, capable of.

I give a slight nod without looking up from my screen.  
''I'll get agent Goulden down here,'' he says as he picks up his phone.  
''No!'' I say, looking back up from the screen at him.  
He looks at me confused as he puts his phone back down. ''He was the one who handled the case, I think he should be here,'' he tells me.

''Actually, right now it's very important that he doesn't know a thing about this,'' I say sternly.  
He looks at me in doubt for a few seconds before he lets out a sigh, ''okay, fine. You have a half hour to tell me why you're here.''

I smile, that is more than enough. I wait as my laptop boots up again, I put it on 'slumber' when I left the house. It only takes a minute before it's loading all of the screens I had opened earlier. As I wait for it to load I look back at agent Thornley, he keeps looking at his watch. He has an annoyed look on his face. Probably thinks I have more circumstantial evidence that doesn't prove enough for a search warrant.

I take a deep breath once everything is loaded and motion for agent Thornley to come over to me so he can see everything on the screen. The window with the images from Anthony's house are up on my screen.

''What am I looking at?'' Agent Thornley asks me.  
To him it must just look like one big blur of blue and pink, ''it's an image of our UnSub's house, but it's made with infrared heat lasers. They detect the heat that an alive body radiates,'' I tell him. As I go along I point out everybody on the screen: ''that's Anthony Gardner, our UnSub. He is the biggest on the screen because he's very tall and closest to the satellite. I think that that is his son, Liam, he's a bit smaller. That is what seems to be a dog of some kind. And in the background there are clearly a bunch of other people. I can count six, the same amount of people as were on the old BAU team. Well, seven including JJ's baby but she could be holding her,'' I tell agent Thornley. 'Or the baby could be dead', I think. 'Don't think like that!' I tell myself before turning my attention back to the screen.

''Okay, see: now you've got some useful evidence! Now tell me why I can't talk about this with agent Goulden,'' he tells me as he sits down in one of the chairs in front of his desk, next to the one I've sat down in.  
''This is a call between our UnSub, Anthony, and his cousin, Matthew Goulden,'' I say to agent Thornley before I press play. We both sit there in silence for the entire four minutes and thirty-six seconds.

Afterwards I watch him sit back in the chair, just as speechless as I was. As speechless as I am again.

''Do you mind if I take this,'' he asks me as he picks up my laptop.  
I am not sure what he's going to do with it but something inside me tells me that this is a good thing, ''go ahead,'' I tell him.

I watch him walk out the door with it and sit back. A little over ten minutes later, that I use to let everything sink in a little bit, he comes back in. As he hands me my laptop he says the words I have been dying to hear: ''they have granted you permission to search Anthony's house!''

* * *

''Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.'' Franklin D. Roosevelt

* * *

So, I hope you all loved it! I know I loved writing it! Please let me know what your thoughts are in a review!


	12. Are you there God? It is me, Penelope!

Okay, so this chapter is a little shorter than the other ones but at least as good. I think y'all like it, it's a little more relationship (friendship) building between Penelope and Erin so that was quite fun to write. I'd like to thank you all for the reviews you've all posted and would love it if you'd review this chapter too! Aside from that another thanks to Jenny Crum for helping me with the story!

Enjoy!

* * *

''If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere.'' Marilyn Monroe

* * *

''Just please let them be okay,'' I keep quietly repeating to myself. Ever since I got the permission to go to search Anthony's house I've been saying this to myself. As I'm boarding the plane I can see Erin's car pull up and she and Blake get out of it and rush over to me.

Without saying as much as a simple 'hello' to each other we all get on the plane and sit down in our seats. I can't help but be nervous; planes are what got me into this mess in the first place. But I have to get past that, going by plane will get me too Nevada the quickest. And that's all that matters; the faster I get there, the faster my family will be rescued from that man. I just want them to be safe.

I can hear Blake and Erin talk in the background but I don't pay attention to what they're saying, I'm just thinking about what I might see when I get there. Will they be okay? How will they cope with everything that has happened? What will it be like to come home to their families, will everything go back to normal?

I put my head in my hands with a sigh; it's all just a little too much right now.

''_Hey silly girl! I love you, you know that right?_'' I can hear Derek's voice tell me and a sad smile appears on my face. I want to see every member from the team, but him I _need_ to see. I feel like if I have to go another day without seeing his beautiful, handsome face that my heart will break into a million little pieces that can never be put back together. I miss him so much, now that I know I'm going to see him again it just makes me even more impatient.

The vague sound of rain pierces through my thoughts. As I bite on my thumbnail I think back to the conversation we had right before the crash. The way he told me that he was going to marry me, that he had known that since the first moment we met, the first time he called me 'baby girl'. He said he was going to propose to me as soon as he got back, only to never return again…

Can we just pick up where we left off; pretend that the past seven months don't matter? He once told me that he couldn't wait for the moment when my face lit up with an angelic smile because I was holding our child... At the time I just told him that he was getting way ahead of himself. We'd only been dating for a few weeks at the time and, even though I didn't want to admit it, I couldn't tell him that I had been wondering what our children would look like.

I still wonder about that, but now I have hope that maybe someday I'll find out. I have regained the hope that someday I will walk down the aisle in a beautiful, white dress. I have hope that one day I'll say 'I do' and get to look into his eyes while doing so.

I stare out the plane window, not looking at anything in particular. In my mind I see flashes of the moments we all spent together, even moments when we were just on the phone and they said something sweet. A few sweet words of anyone of them could brighten up my day.

I think that's what I've missed the most; the simple way they made me feel better about myself. The way they didn't make me feel like an outcast, which is how I'd felt my entire life.

But then they were gone... and with them that feeling went away too. I felt horrible about myself. I was mad at them for leaving me, even in the afterlife they still got to be together, leaving me all alone. I can't even remember how many times I have just screamed out of frustration, so frustrated that they weren't there. None of them were there to help me through the darkest of my days.

I think about all the rules, all the laws I had to break to get to this very moment. I don't know what the consequences will be... what I do know is that I don't care. Soon this dark feeling that started in the pit of my stomach and worked his way through my entire body, taking me over, leaving me completely numb... will be gone. I'll be free from that pain, the discomfort.

I haven't seen them yet but my gut is telling me everything will be okay. When the sun sets tonight life will be beautiful.

I can hear somebody get up from their seat but before I can look up to see who it is I see Erin walk up to me. As she sits down in the chair in front of me, facing me, a bright smile appears on her face. ''Can't wait to see Rossi, huh?'' I ask her with a smile.

''Every second we get closer to them I want to see him more,'' she tells me. She must feel about him the way I feel about Derek. ''I just hope they're all okay.''  
''Me too,'' I say, looking into thin air. I cannot hide how worried I am about them from Erin. ''I wonder how everybody else is going to respond to the news that they're alive.''

''As soon as we know they're all alive the local PD is going to call the FBI back in Quantico and they're going to notify everybody,'' Erin tells me and I give a slight nod. ''So, how are you?'' She then asks me.

''Nervous,'' I say. ''I worry about how they're going to deal with everything. I'm nervous to see Derek, to see how Jayje's baby is doing... how they are all doing.''  
''I think they'll be very proud of you,'' Erin says. ''You managed to find them despite the bureaus efforts, or actually: agent Goulding's efforts, to not have anybody find out the truth.''

I shrug; I don't really know what to say. I know I should be proud of myself; I did manage to find them after all. But for some reason I'm mad at myself, I can't really put my finger on why.

''You should be proud of yourself,'' Erin tells me sincerely, cocking her head to the side. I think she can notice I'm not, ''what's wrong?''  
I take a deep breath, a strange feeling washing over me, ''something just doesn't feel right,'' I say, swallowing hard.  
Erin frowns, ''do you think something is wrong with them?'' She asks me.  
I shake my head, ''it's not them,'' I say, I frown too and look down at my hands. I'm not sure what it is, ''I don't want to talk about it,'' I tell Erin, first I have to figure out what's wrong.

I can see her get up, ''Erin,'' I say, and she sits back down.  
''Yes?'' She asks me with a worried look and a matching tone of voice.  
''Thank you,'' I say, looking back up at her. ''Without your help I wouldn't have been able to do any of this...''

''I'm glad you let me help you,'' she tells me, ''I know we haven't always gotten along...''  
I interrupt her, ''I couldn't stand you!'' I tell her with a slight chuckle.  
''I know,'' she says, she doesn't look bothered by this confession. She knows the whole team has never been very fond of her, 'except from Rossi', I add with a smile.  
''I really didn't like you, but...'' I shake my head, not sure how to continue, ''I realize now that I never really gave you a chance, you deserved better than that and I'm glad I'm finally getting to know you now.''

''I just wish the circumstances had been different,'' she says.  
I bite down on my lower lip, ''me too,'' I tell her. I take a deep breath and repeat it: ''me too...''

* * *

I look around at all the cops around me. They're waiting for the signal that they can go into the house. I'm standing about fifty yards away from the house. It looks pretty big and a little scary. There are two cars parked next to it, a red pickup truck and a black Chrysler. I'm standing next to one of the many black SUV's that are parked on the side of the road.

Blake is leaning against the car a few feet away from me and Erin is standing next to me, her arms crossed in front of her. I have put my hands in my pockets, something that is quite unusual for me, and try to stay calm. I can feel that they are here. I can't explain the feeling, it's just there.

All of a sudden I can see all the police officers snap into action. One of them is on the phone and he's motioning for everybody else to gather around him, explaining the plan. They're doing this all as quiet as possible as not to alarm whoever might be inside.

I watch a couple of cops walk to the back of the house while they draw out their guns. Another couple of officers are quietly making their way to the front door. Three on the right side of the door, another three on the left side.

It's just a matter of seconds before I see them kick in the door and walk in with their guns, ready to shoot if they have to.

I can see Erin stand up a little straighter and I hear her take a deep breath. I glance over at her, ''it's finally happening,'' I say in a shaky voice. I'm trying to keep my emotions under control but failing.  
She looks over at me and nods, she lays one arm around my shoulder.

We watch as a man with messy, blonde hair is led out of the house. He is handcuffed and there are two officers leading him to one of the police cars. After him a teenage boy, also blonde, is being led out of the house. 'That must be Liam', I think to myself.

Now that they're out of the way Erin and I take a few steps toward the house. I can feel a nervous, but excited, feeling fill my stomach. We're about halfway when I can hear a baby screaming. It's the most beautiful sound I've heard in quite some time...

I cup one hand over my mouth and start crying, Erin is holding me up as we can see somebody appear in the doorway...

* * *

''Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.'' Mark Twain

* * *

So, what do you think? I know it is a little mean to cut it off at this point but I thought it would be best to save the rest for the later chapters. Please review!


	13. After this: Please Don't Look Back

So, I know a lot of you were not exactly happy that I left the last chapter like that so I immediately started writing the next one. It was the best and easiest one to write so far and it made me happy just writing it. I'd like to thank all of you for your reviews and Jenny Crum for all of her help.

Without further ado, enjoy this chapter!

* * *

''Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven.'' Tryon Edwards

* * *

I hold my breath as I can see JJ appear in the big doorway, carrying her young daughter who is wrapped up in several thick blankets, trying to keep her warm. Spencer is following behind her, his arm around her shoulder as he looks down at the little girl in concern. They are being rushed over to one of the ambulances that are parked around the house and I can hear somebody say something about that they have to warm the little girl up.

Behind them follow Emily and Hotch, they're holding each other's hand and walking really close to each other. I can see tears well up in Emily's eyes as she looks around at all the trees, taking a deep breath. Hotch looks around too, a little confused as well. He has his eyes narrowed, a little blinded by the bright sunlight. He takes his hand out of Emily's and puts it on the small of her back as he guides her to one of the paramedics who is already waiting for them. I can see that they're both thinner than they were and have a bunch of cuts on their hands.

I can see Hotch slow down a little as he sees me and I notice that an untreated wound on his forehead has left a strangely shaped scar. I can see tears pour down his face as he looks at me and continues walking to the ambulance. ''Thank you,'' I can see him say. He's too far away to hear him but I can read his lips.

I take a deep breath as I glance back at the door. It looks like it takes hours for the last two to appear in the doorway. When _he_ does appear the first thing I notice is his hair: his little afro. I almost start laughing but I'm crying too hard.

I can see him look around for a few seconds before he sees me. I can see him open his mouth as if he is going to say something, but he closes it again and rushes over to me. I meet him halfway and within seconds I'm in his arms.

I can hear him bawl like a baby as he holds me so close it almost hurts. I take a deep breath and bury my face in his chest, taking in his scent. 'There must have been a bathroom in there', I think and almost chuckle at the thought, then I remember the situation and realize that it's better not to.

In the corner of my eyes I can see Rossi rush over to Erin. After all that has happened; hiding their relationship is the least important thing right now.

I can feel Derek keep a tight grip on me as he kisses the top of my head over and over again. I can feel his tears on the top of my head as I cry into his shirt. ''I'm so happy you're here,'' I can hear him mumble quietly.

''Me too,'' I say, my voice breaking. ''You know... I kind of love you Derek Morgan!''  
I can hear him laugh through his tears, it sounds so beautiful, ''I kind of love you too, Penelope Garcia.''  
I start to cry even harder at the sound of the words, it feels so good to hear his voice again.

I pull away from him a little bit and he immediately pulls me back, ''don't leave me!'' I can hear him say in a panicked voice.  
''I'm never leaving you,'' I assure him and pull away just far enough to kiss his lips. I grab his hand and he immediately has a tight grip on it, just strong enough not to hurt me.

We walk over to the ambulance together where Emily and Hotch are getting their hands bandaged. ''They hurt their hands as they were trying to look for a way out of that place,'' Derek tells me, he has his back turned to the house; clearly he doesn't want to look at it ever again.

I glance over at one of the other ambulances where JJ is sitting, she is cradling her young daughter in her arms and I can hear her hum a lullaby. It breaks my heart as I realize what she must've been through. She had to give birth in some old house, no professional help, very bad hygiene... and all she had to look forward to was to raise her innocent, little girl in that place.

Derek notices me staring at the baby. ''JJ decided to name her Vivian,'' he tells me while looking at the little, blonde baby as well. I don't know much about babies, but even I know that for being five months old Vivian is way too small.

I bite down on my lip and look back up at Derek. For the first time I can get a good look on his face, he has a few scars on his face as well and looks a little paler than he used to. I turn around a little bit and look at Dave and Erin. They are standing about 20 yards away, still embraced.

I turn back to Derek and smile at him; he pulls me a little closer again and gives me another kiss. We lean our foreheads together afterwards, just staring into each other's eyes. It's a moment I wish will never end. I can feel tears roll down my face again, ''I missed you,'' I tell him softly.  
''I missed you too,'' he says back and kisses me again.

''I'm so glad you're alive,'' I tell him. ''Please tell me you'll never leave me again.'' As soon as I say this I realize that it sounds like he left on purpose, but by the look on his face I can tell he knows I didn't mean it that way.  
''I'll never go away again,'' he says. ''I promise...''

* * *

A few hours later we're all gathered in a big hospital room. The doctors had decided that it would be best to just let us be together since the team didn't respond well to the thought of being apart. And by 'not well' I mean that the reaction to the suggestion of separate rooms nearly send everybody into a rampage.

I heard one of the psychologists on staff say something about separation anxiety. As I look at everyone I realize that they are probably right about that.

All six of them have an IV in their arm, they all needed some fluids according to the doctors. I'm still next to Derek, he's still refusing to let go of my hand. He has his head on my shoulder and is sound asleep. I can see that Hotch is asleep with Emily resting her head on his chest. Spencer is reading a book, he just said that he needed to escape from everything that was going on for awhile and one of the nurses handed him a book. Rossi is asleep with his head on Erin's shoulder and JJ is still holding Vivian in some clean blankets the hospital gave her.

I can feel I'm starting to doze off as well when I'm suddenly startled by his loud voice, ''where is she!'' Short pause, ''Just tell me where she is! I have to see her!'' I notice JJ looking up as well and she starts to cry as she recognizes Will's voice.

A few seconds later he storms into the room but stops dead in his tracks when he sees his girlfriend and daughter sitting on the bed. ''Jayje?'' I can hear his voice breaking as she smiles at him in tears.

He rushes over to her and collapses next to her on the bed. ''Mommy,'' I look back at the doorway when I hear Henry's voice. He's standing next to one of Will's sisters, Kayleigh. He puts one of his hands in his mouth and I can see that he has tears in his eyes. Kay picks him up, walks over to the bed and puts him down next to JJ who immediately hugs him, trying not to smother Vivian who is in-between them.

I look over at them reuniting and swallow hard. JJ, Will, Henry and Kay are all crying. I can feel Derek move next to me and I look back at him. He opens his eyes slowly and he takes a deep breath. I notice him looking over at JJ and smiling peacefully.

* * *

The next morning, while JJ and Will are taking a stroll with their children, Derek and I sit down on one of the benches in front of the hospital. Spencer has finished his book and called his mother who's still in Vegas. Jessica has brought over Jack and Hotch has been talking with them since, Emily closely next to him the entire time. Rossi and Erin are still asleep in each other's arms.

And Derek and I are talking. He still hasn't let go of my hands and every second I can feel my heart breaking all over again as I feel how afraid he is to lose me. I have my head on his chest as we're sitting in a comfortable silence.

''So, what now?'' He asks me and I pick up my head from his chest and look into his eyes.  
''What?'' I ask him. I was so lost in my thoughts that I'm a little confused now.  
''What do we do now?'' He asks me.

I shrug. I honestly have no idea on how to get all of our lives back together. So much damage has been done I don't know where to begin to fix it. And that's just one of the things that is troubling my mind.  
''What's wrong?'' Derek asks me with a frown as he notices the look on my face.  
''Nothing,'' I say as I look away. I can feel tears form behind my eyes and try to stop them from falling.

''Baby girl,'' I hear him say, it's the first time since we found them yesterday and it's just enough to make me cry, ''just tell me what's wrong.''  
''I'm just... mad at myself,'' I confess to him and he frowns.  
''Why? You were the one who found us. You saved seven lives,'' he tells me with a smile. I squeeze his hand a little and he looks down at our hands with a smile. In a short second I can see the smile disappear, ''what is that?''

I look down as well and frown. He grabs my other hand with his other hand and it's then that I realize that he is not looking at my hands but at my wrists. He looks back up at my face with a shocked look on his face, his jaw a little dropped. ''Did you try to kill yourself?'' He sounds a little angry.

I take a deep breath, ''I spend six months sitting around in misery... I just couldn't take it anymore,'' I tell him.  
''Honey, whatever happens... please don't ever hurt yourself,'' as he's saying this I thank God that he cannot see the rest of my arms which are full of scars from cuts that I made. I decide not to tell him about this, it's better to keep him calm while he is recovering.

''Derek,'' he looks back up at my face.  
''Please tell me that you'll never cut yourself... again,'' he says sternly.  
''I promise,'' I tell him and he relaxes a bit.  
He takes a deep breath, ''so, why are you mad at yourself?'' He asks me, he still sounds a little angry.

''I sat around for six months; I didn't do anything to save you... I didn't question what I was told, I didn't question the bureau! My gut was telling me that something wasn't right and I dismissed it... when I finally started looking for you it took me three weeks to find you. Three weeks! Imagine what would've happened if I started looking for you earlier...'' I tell him as I look down at our hands.

''We'll never know,'' he tells me. ''I'm just glad that you did look for us eventualle, that you did question the bureau.''  
''So, you're not mad at me?'' I ask him as I look back up into his eyes.

He sits still for a second before he gets something out of one of his pockets. All I can see is that it is a wrinkled photo. Derek looks at it for a few seconds before flipping it over and showing it to me. It's an old picture of the two of us. It was taken a few years ago when we were dancing at a Christmas party. He was holding me close and kissed the top of my head and somebody snapped a picture of it.

''I don't understand, what...'' I begin.  
''This is what kept me alive these last couple of months,'' he tells me as he looks down at the picture. ''I looked at it every day. Knowing that you were somewhere out there waiting for me... it's what kept me going. It kept me sane and it is what got me through hell.''

* * *

''Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.'' Dalai Lama

* * *

So, what do you think? Happy with the way this all went? Please let me know in a review!


	14. Our Version Of Events pt 1

This chapter explains a lot more for everybody out there who's wondering what really happened during the abduction. It goes into quite a bit of detail so I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks for all the reviews and Jenny Crum for helping me with the story. This chapter is named after Emeli Sandé's album, because I love the album and I think the title goes great with the chapter.

Enjoy!

* * *

**IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ**: This chapter, unlike all the others, is written from the 3rd person's point of view. I thought it would be best to explain a little more about what happened while the team was abducted, so in this chapter we have Derek explain to his psychologist what happened.

Everything written in cursive is what the psychologist asks Derek. I know she doesn't say much but I mainly just wanted to focus on Derek and his story.

* * *

''I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.'' Craig Ferguson

* * *

''The first thing I remember is when we were still on the plane, still flying. The pilot called over Rossi and he went into the cockpit...'' Derek rubbed the back of his head, thinking back to that idea was something he had been avoiding. ''He returned barely twenty seconds later, he seemed... distraught, panicked, and unsure of what to do. He looked around at all of us and said something about the plane leaking fuel and that there was something wrong with one of the propellers.''

Derek looked into thin air as he was explaining all of it. The look on Rossi's face had terrified him, Dave had always been very relaxed, didn't get upset easily. As soon as Derek had seen the look on Rossi's face, he knew something was seriously wrong.

_''How did everybody react?''_ Dr. Eileen Owen-Edwards asked him. She couldn't start the therapy until she knew exactly what had happened.

''None of us knew what to say, Emily was the first one to break the silence. I'm not quite sure what, but I think she asked him if he was kidding. Before Dave could even answer the plane suddenly dropped quite a bit, the pilot managed to stabilize it but... it really made it sink in that we were screwed,'' Derek said as he glanced over at the psychologist who was making notes.

Her long, ginger hair was pulled back into a tight bun and she had a slight frown on her face as she was writing. When she looked back up she had slight smile on her face, waiting for him to continue.

''The pilot basically told Rossi that there was no way to prevent a crash. There was no place to land so he started flying a little lower, that way we wouldn't crash as hard as we would have otherwise. The impact of the crash still killed him though,'' Derek looked down at his hands as he said the last part.

''We all strapped our seatbelts and just waited; it seemed to take a while before it actually happened, but the crash was over in a flash. The moment I opened my eyes after that I couldn't see anything, there was so much thick smoke around us I could barely breathe.

''I felt Reid move next to me, I looked over at him and he just looked... like he was going to cry. We knew it was going to happen, we had prepared ourselves for it, but in that moment the situation just looked helpless. Spencer is stronger than people give him credit for, but in that moment he wasn't strong, none of us were,'' Derek tried to hold back tears as he remembered those first moments.

_''How was everybody else doing?''_

''When the smoke cleared a little the first thing I saw was Rossi lying on the floor with a tight grip on JJ. She was twenty-seven weeks pregnant at the time... I remembered that he had tried to make sure she wouldn't fall on the floor, he was worried about the baby, we all were,'' Derek bit down on one of his lips. He was supposed to be the strong one!

'I'm not going to cry over this, it's all in the past and I just want to move on and be happy', that's what he kept telling himself, while in the meantime wishing that it were that simple.

Every member of the team had been offered counseling. Though all a little hesitant at first, everybody had eventually agreed. JJ had been the first, she had convinced Emily and Reid to go as well after her first session. Rossi had decided to go a few weeks later, when he realized how hard it was to deal with it on his own he had known that he had to go.

Hotch had decided to go for Jack's sake and Penelope had convinced Derek to go. He didn't want to admit it but he was really glad he was here now.

''I think Rossi was unconscious for a minute or so and JJ was crying quietly when I first saw them. Hotch was lying on the floor as well,'' Derek frowned as he tried to remember everything. ''The first thing I thought was that I couldn't see Emily anywhere. I heard her moan in pain behind me and I turned around in my chair, she was lying beside the tear where the plane had broken in two.

''Hotch asked if everybody was okay and I turned back to him, I don't think anybody knew what to say to that. I heard Emily get up behind me and she walked over to us. We all nodded in response to Hotch's question, well... except from Rossi, he was in too much pain I think. Rossi helped JJ into a chair and Emily walked over to them, JJ was holding her stomach in pain.

''It even hurt to look at just see in how much pain she was, but she said the baby was still kicking so that relieved some of the worry. The only one of us who knew how much could be wrong with the baby because of the crash was Reid, I'm just glad he didn't say anything.'' Derek was surprised he remembered so much of what happened. Before this he had had trouble remembering everything but now, it just all came out so easily.

He wasn't sure why, maybe because he had only talked about this with Penelope. He didn't want to tell her too much because he knew she would get worried. Nobody on the team had ever talked about it again except from to the police and to their psychologists, none of them wanted to talk about it.

''The second thought I had... was that I wanted to go home, that I wanted to see Penelope,'' he tried to hold back the tears as he thought back to that. She hadn't been on the plane but he still felt the need to go see if she was okay. A strange feeling that something bad was going to happen to her had come over him and he just wanted to see her. He now knew that that 'something bad' had ended in a scar on each one of her wrists.

''We left the plane and Hotch called 911, after that we just waited for the paramedics to arrive,'' Derek continued.

''_Were you hurt?_'' Dr. Owen-Edwards asked him as she was making notes.

Derek touched his forehead, ''I had a cut on my forehead; I remember that there was blood. Though I don't remember how I got it. I think there might also have been a few cuts on my hands, but I'm not sure about that. I was too focused on JJ,'' he grimaced as he remembered the painful look JJ had had on her face.

''About five minutes after Hotch had ended the call, three men arrived in a red pickup truck. At that moment they looked a little familiar but I couldn't place it so I decided to dismiss it. They told us that they were volunteer firefighters and that it would be best if we went with them so they could take us to the hospital. They mentioned something about their being a big car accident in town and that there was a shortage of ambulances,'' Derek scratched his head as he tried to remember exactly what they had told them.

''We didn't really think anything of it so we decided to just go with them. Just a few minutes later we pulled up to a big house in the woods. I didn't really understand what they were doing until they drew out their guns and told us to go into the house,'' Derek swallowed hard as he thought back to how confused he had been in that moment. He was mad at himself for trusting the men, even though he knew that what had happened was his fault.

''They led us through the kitchen into the basement, which had I think three or four doors. They were really thick, heavy, wooden doors. Once they closed those doors... I tried and I tried...'' Derek could hear his voice breaking, ''but I couldn't get out.''

''_What did the basement look like?_'' The young, ginger woman cocked her head to the side as she asked this.

''There were three rooms, all made of concrete. It looked like a bunker of some kind. The third room, in the back, was a bathroom. There was cold water there; there was a toilet and a small shower. There were a couple of matrasses in the other rooms. There were... I think three small windows, about the width of two hands next to each other, because of those we could see if it was day or night. We counted the days. We had just started our 198th day in there when we were... rescued, I guess you could call it,'' Derek said.

''There was a small shutter at the bottom of the door closest to where we were through which we got boxes with, mainly, food and stuff for JJ's baby,'' Derek recalled.

''In the beginning the three men sometimes came by, after about three weeks that stopped. After that it was just a younger boy, a teenager, who brought the food. Penelope later told me it was the son of one of our abductors: Liam,'' Derek continued.

_''Why do you think they abducted you?''_

''I spend the entire time there trying to figure it out. But it just didn't... click, I guess. I couldn't figure it out. Members of our team had been taken before but never all of us, that was the strange thing about it. Penelope later explained to me that the three men who took us were brothers, they had fourth brother, Christopher Gardner, who we had arrested for the murders of several young women a couple of years ago. He was beaten to death in prison a few months after his trial,'' Derek explained.

That was one of the few triggers he could think of. ''The brother at whose house we were staying was Anthony Gardner. His wife had died because of Hodgkin lymphoma a couple of years earlier, soon after we arrested his brother. Pen told me that 19 days after they took us, the two oldest brothers, Vincent and Bobby, died in a car crash. Vincent had a heart-attack while driving his brother and himself back into town, it caused him to swerve off the road and off the bridge they were on, straight into a river. They both died immediately,'' Derek said, glad he didn't have to talk about something to sensitive to him right now.

''At night we often heard Anthony screaming and yelling, throwing things around. According to Pen this probably had something to do with his schizophrenia, he told the officers that one of his brothers ghosts wanted him to kill us and that the other one tried to talk him out of it,'' Derek said with a frown.

He didn't want to think about the fact that somebody with _schizophrenia_ nearly killed them because he was _schizophrenic..._ it was one of the reasons why he couldn't talk to Spencer about it all. 'If anybody thought that Spencer's mom would be able to do this because she is schizophrenic...' Derek shook his head, nobody ever dare say that!

_''What do you think was the hardest part for you through this all?''_

''I think that... not being able to see Penelope...'' He felt tears well up in his eyes at the thought that he hadn't been able to see his baby girl for months, the thought of what that had done to her, to him... Derek let out a sigh and rubbed his eyes, ''this is hard to talk about,'' he confessed quietly.

* * *

"All you have to do is be yourself and speak from your heart and your guts." Hubert Humphrey

* * *

So, what do you think? Please give me some feedback! I'm not used to writing in the third person anymore so it might be a little rusty. But if I get some feedback on this I will have part 2 of this chapter up as soon as I can!


	15. Our Version Of Events pt 2

Okay, this is the second part of Derek's story. I know that he probably wouldn't tell his psychologist how his friends were doing but I needed a way to put that in there. Thanks to everybody who reviewed, with a special thanks for Jenny Crum for helping me with this story.

Enjoy!

* * *

"Total security has never been available to anyone. To expect it is unrealistic, to imagine that it can exist is an invite to disaster." Edward Teller

* * *

''_It's okay, we can take a break if you want,_'' she told him.

''No, it's probably best to just continue. I think it'll be good for me to talk about this,'' Derek said, looking down at his hands. He took a deep breath before he continued, ''not being able to see Penelope was the hardest part. I had this picture with me,'' he got the picture out of his pocket and showed it to the young psychologist, ''I had to look at it every day. I had to remind myself that she was somewhere out there waiting to just keep me going. Every time I looked at it though I had this feeling that if I didn't look at it long enough I would eventually forget what she looked like.''

He couldn't believe how honest he was being, he hadn't told anybody this. Especially not Penelope, he was afraid that it would hurt her feelings if he told her that he thought he could forget her. In retrospect; he didn't believe he could really forget. Every time he closed his eyes he saw what she looked like, the twinkle in her eyes and her ever present red-lipstick smile.

''_How much about the abduction have you told her?_'' Dr. Owen-Edwards asked him.

He looked back at her. Her hands were folded together in her lap, as if she were inviting him to go talk to her. It also had a genuine feel to it. 'Don't do this', he told himself. Profiling your therapist is the last thing you should do.

'Back to the question', he told himself. How much had he told Penelope about the abduction... well, he had told her some of it. He had told him what the basement looked like, he had told her that he was happy they weren't there anymore. He had shared some of JJ's delivery; that had been difficult to talk about. When he thought back to how Spencer had delivered the baby, how Liam had handed them dental floss and scissors for the umbilical cord. Must have been a hell of a lot different from when she gave birth to Henry at the hospital, a clean place with professionals.

''I haven't told her much. She has been through so much that I don't think she could handle it if I told her how we were struggling down there. She already feels guilty that she waited six months to go look for us, this would only make it worse,'' Derek explained.

''_Do you blame her?_'' Dr. Owen-Edwards asked her with her head cocked to the side.  
''What?'' Derek asked in shock as he looked up from his hands back to the woman sitting opposite from him, listening attentively.  
''_Are you mad that she waited six months to do anything?_'' She asked again.

Derek couldn't believe what he was hearing, he leaned over, leaning his forearms on his upper legs as he looked at the woman. ''Of course I'm not mad at her! When I think of how she must've felt, and how she had to deal with those feeling without having any of us to help her through it... I'm surprised she is still alive today!''

''_Agent Morgan,_'' Dr. Owen-Edwards let out a sigh and paused for a moment, ''_do you mind if I call you Derek?_'' When he shook his head 'no' she continued. ''_Derek, I think that you have to calm down now. I know that this is hard for you but it's perfectly naturally to feel some kind of resentment towards her._''

Derek felt his jaw drop a little bit, ''did you not hear what I just said? I'm not mad at her; there isn't any kind of resentment towards her, not from me and not from anybody else! When I try to think of how I would've dealt with it all had I been in her position... I think she handled it pretty well. And I'm proud of her, and Erin and Blake, that they found us!''

Dr. Owen-Edwards could hear the anger in his voice and put up her hands, ''_why don't we change the topic_,'' she suggested as she made a few notes about what he had just said. She knew that it was best not to continue on this, he'd only get madder and madder.

''Yeah, why don't we,'' Derek said harshly. He could feel his blood boiling a little bit. Who did she think she was? Accusing him of being mad at somebody he dearly loved, maybe if it had been one of his close friends he would've listened. But this coming from her? A woman he had known for what? 30 Minutes? He let out a sigh and looked away as he bit down on his lip.

He continued with a calmer voice, ''I'm not mad at Penelope and we're doing just fine, thank you for your concern.'' He said.  
''_Okay, then lets move on_,'' she said with a slight smile, not sure how to restore the little bit of trust that had built in the first twenty minutes of the session. ''_You seem to be doing quite alright, better than most people would in your situation. What do you think makes that you manage to be an exception to the rule?_''

Derek took a deep breath. ''It helps that everybody else are doing pretty okay. JJ got engaged, they're getting married in a few months. Me and Pen often watch her daughter. Penny was so excited when she heard the name: Vivian Penelope Jasmine LaMontagne. I thought it was too long but even I had to admit that it was beautiful. Penelope loved that the baby was partially named after her and Jasmine is for JJ's sister who died.

''Hotch and Emily are living together in his house with Jack. They seem to have formed a little family. I think they're happy together, and I'm glad. I have noticed that Emily has quite a lot of trouble dealing with everything that has happened, but... I think that she'll be fine.

''Spencer... well, he spends more time with his mom. Calls her more often, visits her more often, you know? He also looks for a lot of support from JJ. I think they got really close during the time that we were... down there,'' Derek paused for a moment.

''_Are you worried about him?_''

Derek considered this for a moment, ''of course I'm worried about him. We are like brothers and I always look out for him. I can't help but worry about him after all that we've been through together.''

''_Do you feel like you have to take care of him?_''

''Well,'' Derek chuckled and scratched his forehead, ''he's a big boy; he can take care of himself. But sure, I'll help him if he asks me too or if I think it's necessary. All of us will help him if he needs help.'' Derek wasn't sure if he should continue but Dr. Owen-Edwards nodded at him.

He cleared his throat, ''Erin and Rossi are still together. He never told us they were together and considering the... relationship she had with our team, it took some time to get used to having her around. But it turns out that she can be nice,'' Derek chuckled.

''_And how are things between you and Penelope?_''

''They're okay. She lives with me now. I had some trouble letting go of her after we were all reunited, but... it took some time but I'm trying to take more distance now. I understand that she needs her personal space as well, so...'' Derek smiled.

''_How do you feel about the sentences Mr. Gardner and agent Goulden got?_'' Dr. Owen-Edwards asked him.  
''I think they got what they deserved, I mean; Gardner is spending the rest of his life behind bars with no chance of parole, so that's good. Agent Goulden got 20 years with chance of parole after twelve years, and even after that he can never work for the government again. I think that'll be enough to teach him a lesson,'' Derek said. He, along with the rest of the team, especially Hotch, had often thought about what kind of sentences the two would get. But by the time they finally heard it they were just happy that they were free and could get on with their lives. The only thing that still bugged him was what Penelope had told him about Kevin. Technically, he hadn't done anything illegal but Derek and the rest of the team were still mad at him, knowing that he'd made it even harder for Pen to find them because he was mad at her.

''_If you think back to everything that happened, obviously you can't change a thing. But what do you wish you had done different?_''  
''I wish I had trusted my instincts,'' Derek said after he thought about it for a few seconds.  
She looked up from making notes, ''_would you care to explain?_'' She asked him, wondering what he was talking about.

''After the plane crashed and those three men came by to... pick us up, they looked familiar. At the time I didn't know why but I felt like I couldn't trust them. I wish I had trusted that instinct, it would have saved us a lot of pain,'' Derek said.

''_Do you feel responsible for what happened because of this?_'' She asked him.

Derek looked away for a second, thinking about this. He gave a slight shrug, ''I don't know. A little I guess... I think all of us feel responsible for what happened in some way. I've heard everyone say, 'what if we hadn't gone with them', 'what if just some of us had stayed behind?' Just like I have,'' Derek said.

''_What do you think would've happened if you had trusted your gut? What do you think would've happened if some of you had said that they'd rather wait for the police?_''  
Derek gave a slight smile; he tried to figure out what would've happened in that case. Because of everything that Pen had told him he had a pretty good idea what the three men were like, ''I think that Bobby and Anthony would try to talk us into coming with them anyway. And if we still refused than they would give up. I think that Vincent would just pull out his gun and force us to go with them anyway, after which his younger brothers would follow him example,'' Derek explained. He looked at Dr. Owen-Edwards and saw the slight smile on her face. That was when it clicked inside his head. There was no reason for the team to feel guilty; the brothers would have taken them either way.

He smiled back at her, letting her know that he understood. ''Thanks,'' he said smiling and he raised his eyebrows. ''Anything else you want to know?''  
She shook her head 'no' and Derek looked at his watch. ''Is it okay if I leave now, there's something I have to take care of,'' he said as he got an idea.

* * *

Kevin Lynch was standing near the printer, waiting for it to finish printing some files one of the teams had asked for. He tapped his fingers against the side of the printer impatiently when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, snapping him out of his thoughts. He turned around startled and saw agents Morgan and Rossi stand in front of him. ''Hey buddy,'' Rossi greeted him with a big smile.

Derek smiled as well, ''Lynch,'' he acknowledged.  
''Hi... guys,'' Kevin said uncomfortably. He hadn't spoken, or even seen them in person, since they had come back to the bureau. ''You know, I'm really... happy you guys are back!'' He said, swallowing hard.

''Yeah, we need to ehm, 'talk' to you about something that Penelope told us,'' Derek said with a big smile.  
Kevin felt his jaw dropped a little, knowing what they were up too. ''You wouldn't,'' he said quietly, looking back between the two men.

''Just come with us, outside,'' Derek said with a slight chuckle. He had a tight grip on Kevin's shoulder and started guiding him outside.  
Kevin looked at Derek, ''you really shouldn't do this,'' he said in a scared voice, ''I have friends and I know where you live,'' he threatened before looking back at Rossi. ''I have been to your house.'' He said, knowing that wouldn't stop them from anything.

Rossi stopped dead in his tracks, annoyed, before he replied: ''I don't have a house, I have a mansion!''

* * *

''Revenge is sweet and not fattening.'' Alfred Hitchcock

* * *

Okay, so I know it took me quite long to update. I wrote the chapter quite fast after the last one but didn't like it so I decided to start over. I apologize for this. Also, I know the end was OOC but it seemed like a lot of you really wanted Lynch to get beat up, so... I'm not saying he was, but you can decide for yourself what happened after they went outside!

Please review!


	16. Happily Ever After?

Okay, so** this is set about six months after the previous chapter**. It's a little more romantic than the other ones but I hope y'all like it. Thanks to everybody who reviewed, I really appreciate it! Also, thanks to Jenny Crum for helping me with the story!

Oh, and aside from the quotes at the beginning and the end of the chapter I put another two in there as well. One is very obvious and the other one isn't, see if you can find both of them, I challenge you!

Enjoy!

* * *

''He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.'' Sherman Alexie

* * *

''I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss your bride,'' JJ smiled at her new husband as she heard those words. The smile on his face and the sight of Henry and Vivian in the corner of her eyes almost made her cry. She couldn't believe this was finally happening; she had waited so long...

It had taken her a while to plan the wedding, but she honestly couldn't wait to hear those words after she was finally free. It seemed as though things were finally back on track: Vivian was doing great considering everything that had happened. Henry was getting used to having his mom around again and for her and Will it was pretty easy to move on together.

JJ was snapped out of her thoughts when she felt Will's lips on her own. She smiled against his lips before she kissed him back, they looked at their friends and family who were surrounding them after they broke.

* * *

''I can't believe you two finally tied the knot,'' Emily said as she leaned back against a wall, looking around at all the people who were dancing and laughing.  
''So, Mrs. LaMontagne, how does it feel to be married?'' Penelope joked. She knew that JJ was keeping her own name and that she'd hate being called 'Mrs. LaMontagne', but she couldn't help teasing her friend.

JJ sighed but decided not to respond to her question. Instead, she changed the subject: ''how are things between you and Derek?'' She asked the tech analyst.  
Penelope looked over at her hot stuff and could feel a smile appear on her face, ''things are great. He's finally opening up more and more about what happened to you guys,'' she said. Derek was dancing with Will's 10-year-old niece Samantha and Penelope couldn't help but feel her love for him grow even more, not being able to keep her eyes off of him.

JJ and Emily glanced over at each other, they had never talked to Penelope about it, nor had they talked to one another. They had never been able to explain how they felt to each other, and besides that: it was just too hard to talk about it.

''You know, he talked about you every day,'' JJ said to Penelope as she looked over at Derek as well. She noticed the mood between the three of them had suddenly changed and when she saw Penelope turn to her with a frown she knew that Penelope really wanted, or maybe even needed, to know what had taken place.

Emily bit down on her lower lip and glanced over at JJ before responding to Penelope's eager look, ''he could look at that picture of the two of you for hours. He never doubted that you were somewhere waiting for him,'' she said.

''I was, you know? I was waiting for him too, for all of you, actually.'' Penelope said and could feel tears burn behind her eyes.  
JJ looked at her friend with a slight smile and put her arm around her shoulders, ''who knows, maybe in a few months it'll be you in a white dress, saying 'I do' to Morgan,'' she said.

Penelope shrugged, not quite sure what to say to that.  
''Do you want that?'' Emily asked, confused by Pen's reaction. She and JJ exchanged glances before she continued, ''you know, Greg Behrendt once said: 'Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?', isn't that what you want?''

Penelope smiled at her two best friends before she nodded. She took a deep breath, ''of course I want to be with him, forever even. It just sounds so weird to picture myself getting married, it never really sunk in that I would someday.'' She replied honestly. ''You know; things are really beginning to make sense again,'' she started as she looked down at her bright pink bridesmaid dress, ''I can't say I always enjoy it, but my mind is clear and my heart doesn't feel as heavy constantly: only when I think about what happened. But knowing that in time you'll all be okay, I know that one day things will be 'normal' again... whatever that might be,'' she said.

''Eventually the heart repairs,'' Erin said as she walked over to the three women.  
''Exactly,'' JJ said with a smile. She could hardly believe it but she had grown to like the older woman. She kind of felt like she had to for Rossi, but it had been great.  
Erin smiled and gave JJ a nod, ''congratulations,'' she simply said.

''Thank you,'' JJ was just about to say something when she noticed Will motioning for her to come over to him. ''Excuse me,'' she said with a frown before walking over to her now husband.

Erin glanced over at the two remaining women. She had grown quite close to Penelope, considering what they had been through together, but she had never been able to really bond with Emily.  
Emily cleared her throat, ''anyway, I'm going to ehm... go over to Aaron - I mean Hotch - now,'' she said, sounding a bit uncomfortable.

Penelope frowned as the dark-haired woman walked away. She looked back over at Erin, ''is there something wrong between you two?'' She asked.  
''Not that I know off,'' Erin sighed, wondering why it had been so hard to connect with Emily when it had been so easy with all the other members of the team.  
Pen shrugged, ''I wonder what's up with her,'' she said, mainly to herself, as she watched Emily walk over to Hotch.

Penelope walked over to Emily and JJ, who were talking, and overheard them talking about Reid. ''Maybe we should set him up with somebody,'' Emily suggested.  
''It's going to be hard to find somebody who he can relate to, I think,'' Pen said. The other two women turned to her.  
''I think I know just the right person for him,'' JJ said as she looked over at a brunette woman who was talking to JJ's mom.

JJ looked at Emily and Penelope who both had a frown on their face, before she walked off to find Reid. After a few minutes she found him talking to Erin and Rossi. She laid her hand on his arm and he looked at her, ''hi!'' He said with a smile on his face.  
''Hi, ehm... there's somebody I want to introduce you to,'' she said and he followed her across the dance floor to the brunette JJ thought was perfect for him. The young woman turned to the both of them.

''JJ, congratulations,'' she said as she gave JJ a hug.  
''Thank you,'' JJ replied before looking back at Reid. ''Spence, I'd like you to meet my old college roommate, Maeve Donovan. Maeve, this is my colleague Spencer Reid,'' she said, looking back and forth between the two before she left them there together.

* * *

''That was beautiful,'' Penelope said to Derek as she closed the front door of their house and threw her keys on the small, wooden table in the hallway.  
''It really was, it kind of makes me think,'' Derek started as he pulled her closer to him, ''that maybe one day we can do that.'

Penelope felt her smile fade a little bit and she swallowed, ''are you saying that you want to marry me?'' She asked him as she stared into his dark eyes.  
''I've wanted to marry you since the first moment I saw you,'' Derek confessed with a smile

Penelope felt her jaw drop a little and Derek pecked her lips before noticing the tears well up in her eyes. He hated to see her cry, it gave him a feeling that maybe she wasn't ready for marriage yet. ''Why are you crying?'' He asked as he pulled her closer.

''I'm not crying,'' she said and wiped the tears from her eyes before they could fall. She looked down and took a moment to compose herself before she looked back into his eyes, ''because of you I'm actually running out of reasons to cry,'' she said with a smile.

Derek could see the tears glisten in her eyes and pulled her close for a second, kissing the top of her head. ''I love you,'' he mumbled into her hair.  
''I love you too,'' she said quietly, thinking back to the first moment she had ever said that. At that time it had been so great to finally say it, even though he hadn't had an idea just how much she loved him.

As soon as he let her go she missed him arms around her, ''wait here for a moment, I have something for you,'' he told her and started walking up the stairs. She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water as she waited for him to come back downstairs. She was staring out the window as he came back downstairs. Penelope spun around when she felt him arm sneak around her waist.

He had one hand behind his back and was smiling at her, ''what're you up too?'' She asked him with a slight grin.  
He moved his hand back in front of him as he knelt down on one knee; he opened the little, black, velvet box and inside was a gorgeous, yellow diamond engagement ring. Penelope could feel her jaw drop as she looked at him with tears welling up in her eyes.

''Penelope Garcia, baby girl, I have loved you like crazy since the first moment I laid eyes on you and my love for you has only grown since then. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so... will you marry me?'' Derek asked as he looked up into her eyes.

* * *

Emily was standing in the doorway of the guestroom, the light from the hallway shining in from behind her. She took a deep breath and turned around when she heard footsteps behind her. It took her a moment before she sighed in relief, it was just Hotch. She turned back to look at the 13-month-old, blonde girl asleep in the bed in front of her.

''Are you okay?'' Hotch asked her, he couldn't help but notice that she had been quiet all day.  
''Yeah, I'm fine,'' she replied with a frown that he couldn't see because he was standing behind her. Vivian was asleep in one of the beds and Henry was asleep in the bed on the opposite side of the room. Since JJ and Will were on their way to Barbados for their honeymoon, Emily and Aaron had offered to let the two young children stay over at their house. ''Did you tuck Jack in?'' She asked him.

''He's sound asleep,'' Hotch reassured her. She gave a slight smile. ''Jack is really excited that Henry and Vivian are staying here the whole week.''  
Emily turned around to look her boyfriend in his dark eyes, ''maybe he'd like it if... you know,'' she looked down at her hands, not quite sure how to ask Aaron this.

''Maybe he'd like what?'' Aaron asked. He had had a feeling for quite some time that she was going to bring this up.  
Emily looked down at her feet before turning on her heel and heading back to the bedroom the couple shared, ''maybe Jack would like to have a younger brother or sisters,'' she finally said as she drew the curtains shut.

She turned around to find him sitting down on the bed with a smile, ''was that really so hard to say?'' He asked her with a grin.  
She took a few steps towards him, ''you're saying that you want us to have a baby?'' She asked him a little unsure and completely avoiding his question.  
''I think it'd be nice,'' he replied as he pulled her closer to him.

She gave him a small kiss and then stared into his eyes, ''really?'' She asked as she bit down on her lip.  
''Really! You'd make a great mom,'' he said as he stood up and started kissing her neck.

She froze for a second, the word 'mom' sounded weird when she thought about what she wanted to do with her life. Sure, Aaron thought she would be a good mom, but what if she wasn't?

Hotch pulled away a little to look into her eyes, ''I really mean that,'' he told her as he stared deep into her brown eyes. He could feel that she was a little insecure about this, given the relationship she had with her own mother it was something he could easily understand.

He could feel her relax under his touch a little bit and his hands went to the hem of her shirt. She looked away again as she took a step away from him. ''It's okay,'' he told her, knowing that just like every other time he had tried in the past seven months; he wouldn't be able to convince her.  
''My scars, they're-'' she began before he interrupted her.

''They're prove that you fought for your life, they show that you are tough and brave... you should be proud of them,'' he told. ''You kept fighting when most people would give up, you earned those scars.''

''But they're-'' she began again.  
''They make you even more beautiful to me,'' he told her sincerely.

She looked into his eyes for a moment before giving in. She held her breath as he took her shirt off and both their gazes went down to look at the pink scars. He softly stroked them and she could feel tears well up in her eyes. They both looked up and their eyes met again, ''beautiful,'' he whispered softly against her lips before he kissed her. ''I love you...''

* * *

"From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I survived." Fr. Craig Scott

* * *

So, this is probably the last chapter for the story. I kept a little bit of and open end to it and you can figure out for yourselves how you'd like it to end: what happens to Will and JJ's marriage? Do Reid and Maeve end up together? What is going to happen between Rossi and Erin? Why doesn't Erin like Emily? Does Pen say 'yes' or 'no' to Derek's proposal and do Emily and Hotch end up having a little one? Let me know what you want to end and if I get enough ideas and inspiration I might continue it!

Please review!


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